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| The other night |
Jokes to tell are a great way to break the ice and bring some laughter into any situation. From funny and good jokes to clean and short jokes, there's something for everyone. Whether you prefer corny and punny jokes or knock-knock and dad jokes, these one-liner jokes are sure to put a smile on your face. So, get ready to search for the best jokes to tell and add some humor to your day! So, what are you waiting for? Start searching for the perfect joke today!
Showing posts with label MONEY JOKES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MONEY JOKES. Show all posts
A dying old man wants to be buried with his money.
A dying old man wants to be buried with his money. He then calls his priest, his doctor and his lawyer by his bedside.
- Here's $ 30,000 in cash that I give to each of you. I trust you to put that money in my coffin when I'm buried.
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the casket. The priest suddenly burst into tears and confesses:
- I only put $ 20,000 in the envelope because I needed $ 10,000 to fix the roof of the church.
"Well, since we are between trusted people," said the doctor. I put only $ 10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new x-ray machine for pediatrics at the hospital that cost $ 20,000.
The lawyer answers them:
"I'm ashamed of you two," he exclaims. I put all the money in the coffin, I enclosed a check for the entire $ 30,000.
- Here's $ 30,000 in cash that I give to each of you. I trust you to put that money in my coffin when I'm buried.
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the casket. The priest suddenly burst into tears and confesses:
- I only put $ 20,000 in the envelope because I needed $ 10,000 to fix the roof of the church.
"Well, since we are between trusted people," said the doctor. I put only $ 10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new x-ray machine for pediatrics at the hospital that cost $ 20,000.
The lawyer answers them:
"I'm ashamed of you two," he exclaims. I put all the money in the coffin, I enclosed a check for the entire $ 30,000.
Copy of a letter received by the public treasury ...
Copy of a letter received by the public treasury ...
Dear Sir,
I have the honor to acknowledge receipt of your letter of the 12th of April, in which, for the third time, you claim the repayment of the money I owe you. Know first that I do not dispute this debt and that I intend to repay you as soon as possible. But, on the other hand, I should like to point out that I still have many other creditors, all of whom are as honorable as you, and whom I wish to repay too. That's why, every month, I put all the names of my creditors in a hat and draw one at random that I hasten to repay. I hope your name will be out soon. In the meantime, please accept, Sir, the expression of my most distinguished sentiments.
P.S .: Your last letter being written in a very unkind way, I regret to inform you that you will not participate in the next draw.
Dear Sir,
I have the honor to acknowledge receipt of your letter of the 12th of April, in which, for the third time, you claim the repayment of the money I owe you. Know first that I do not dispute this debt and that I intend to repay you as soon as possible. But, on the other hand, I should like to point out that I still have many other creditors, all of whom are as honorable as you, and whom I wish to repay too. That's why, every month, I put all the names of my creditors in a hat and draw one at random that I hasten to repay. I hope your name will be out soon. In the meantime, please accept, Sir, the expression of my most distinguished sentiments.
P.S .: Your last letter being written in a very unkind way, I regret to inform you that you will not participate in the next draw.
"I had it all: Money, a beautiful house, a Mercedes''
A man complains to a friend:
"I had it all: Money, a beautiful house, a Mercedes coupe, the love of a splendid woman ... And, Paf, everything is gone!"
"What happened?" asks the friend.
"My wife discovered it ..."
"I had it all: Money, a beautiful house, a Mercedes coupe, the love of a splendid woman ... And, Paf, everything is gone!"
"What happened?" asks the friend.
"My wife discovered it ..."
what are the 4 favourite animals of the woman?
what are the 4 favourite animals of the woman?
the oyster for the pearl
the bear for the fur coat
the caiman for the handbag
and the pig who pays all this
the oyster for the pearl
the bear for the fur coat
the caiman for the handbag
and the pig who pays all this
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
> The Bikers
>>A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
>>
>>"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
>>Peter asked.
>>
>>"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
>>"Once, on a trip to the
>>Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
>>bikers who were
>>threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave
>>her alone, but they
>>wouldn't listen.
>>
>>So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
>>biker and smacked
>>him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his
>>nose ring, and threw
>>it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll
>>kick the shit out of
>>all of you!"
>>
>>St. Peter was impressed .. "When did this happen?"
>>
>>"Just a couple of minutes ago."
Joke on income tax
- Your last name must start with the two figures of the Department
- We are obliged to answer you in the affirmative by the negative
- Our goal is not, as you write, to crush you like shit, but to collect the exact amount of your taxes
- Pets are not dependent children ...
- Since the total of 5000 F is to be divided by two, the result is: 1327.60 F
- Your letter of complaint has been sent by mistake to our complaint service
- Unless I am mistaken, an error has crept into our letter of last March 22nd
- Please specify if the sex of your spouse is also of French nationality
- The rent of scooters over seas (see your bill) does not fit in the heading - real estates -
- Your profession is not referenced, thank you to find another
- Column B is reserved for users in column C ...
- From 1 September, the ticket offices will be open before closing
- Your statement is illegible, although typed in the machine
- Provisional third party is not a suggestion to pay, but a command
A man comes home from work one night
A man comes home from work one evening, tired and morale to zero. He hears a voice saying: "Give up your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, and go to Monte Carlo to play on the 9th." The man thinks he is in a state of hallucination. But the next day at night, the same voice repeats to him: "Abandon your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, and go to Monte-Carlo to play on the 9th." If he says that this time, this voice is not the fruit of his imagination, the man does not take it seriously. But every night, when he gets home from work, he hears the same voice that says to him: "Give up your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, and go to Monte Carlo to play on the 9th." After a few weeks, he ends up cracking. He resigns, sells all his belongings, takes his money and goes to the principality. As soon as he arrives, he rushes to the casino and hastens to play roulette. At this moment, the voice reappears and says to the man: "Put all your money on the 9 ..." He runs nervously. The roulette turns and the ball slows to finally stop on the 13. And the voice says: "Shit ...
A man enters a bank and says at the ticket office
A man enters a bank and says at the ticket office:
- "I would like to open a fucking account in your shitty bank!"
- "Sorry?" said the shocked lady ...
- "You're clogged or what, I'd like to open a fucking account in this
shit bank !!! "
- "But finally sir, stay correct! ..."
- "Kess ta, do you want my fist on your mouth or what?"
- "Listen sir, I'll call the director ..."
- "That's it bitch, call your asshole director ..."
The director arrives: - "Sir, there is a problem?"
- "I do not know, I want to open a fucking account in this bank of
shit because I won 100 million lotto ... "
And the director answers:
- "And this big bitch is pissing you off?
- "I would like to open a fucking account in your shitty bank!"
- "Sorry?" said the shocked lady ...
- "You're clogged or what, I'd like to open a fucking account in this
shit bank !!! "
- "But finally sir, stay correct! ..."
- "Kess ta, do you want my fist on your mouth or what?"
- "Listen sir, I'll call the director ..."
- "That's it bitch, call your asshole director ..."
The director arrives: - "Sir, there is a problem?"
- "I do not know, I want to open a fucking account in this bank of
shit because I won 100 million lotto ... "
And the director answers:
- "And this big bitch is pissing you off?
A man arrives at Cartier, Place Vendôme in Paris
A man arrives at Cartier, Place Vendôme in Paris, in the company of a splendid young woman, and together they choose a jewel of 50 000 euros for her.
At the moment of paying, the man leaves his checkbook and, without frowning, writes it.
The seller is a bit bored because this is the first time he sees this couple at the jewelry store.
The man realizes the seller's discomfort and, with a lot of confidence, tells him:
"I have the feeling, dear, that you think this check may be without funds, is it?"
- Uh ... well ...
- Well, here's what we'll do: since today is Saturday and my bank is closed, I suggest that you keep this check and the jewel. From Monday, proceed to its receipt and when the payment will be honored, have the jewel delivered to Mademoiselle. Okay ?...
The seller, reassured, endorses this solution without the slightest hesitation, even ensuring that the jeweler would take care of the delivery of the jewel and that he would personally ensure the smooth running of the operation .
Monday morning, the presentation of the check to the bank, it is of course the check bounced!
Angry, the salesman calls the customer who answers him:
- But it does not matter ! It did not cost you and I made love all weekend !!! ... Thank you very much for your cooperation and no hard feelings!
At the moment of paying, the man leaves his checkbook and, without frowning, writes it.
The seller is a bit bored because this is the first time he sees this couple at the jewelry store.
The man realizes the seller's discomfort and, with a lot of confidence, tells him:
"I have the feeling, dear, that you think this check may be without funds, is it?"
- Uh ... well ...
- Well, here's what we'll do: since today is Saturday and my bank is closed, I suggest that you keep this check and the jewel. From Monday, proceed to its receipt and when the payment will be honored, have the jewel delivered to Mademoiselle. Okay ?...
The seller, reassured, endorses this solution without the slightest hesitation, even ensuring that the jeweler would take care of the delivery of the jewel and that he would personally ensure the smooth running of the operation .
Monday morning, the presentation of the check to the bank, it is of course the check bounced!
Angry, the salesman calls the customer who answers him:
- But it does not matter ! It did not cost you and I made love all weekend !!! ... Thank you very much for your cooperation and no hard feelings!
A cow farmer goes to his banker to get a loan to buy a bull.
A cow farmer goes to his banker to get a loan to buy a bull. A few days later, the banker meets the breeder in the street and asks him:
- So how's our bull?
The breeder answers:
- Well, not bad! I put it in the meadow with all the heifers to project, and he did not want to do anything to them.
The banker answers him:
- You'd better call the vet.
A few days later, the banker meets the breeder again:
- And how's our bull now?
The breeder answers:
- Impeccable. He raised all my heifers, then he went over the fence, and now he's taking care of the neighbor's cows.
The banker :
- Eh eh ! And what did the vet give him?
The breeder answers:
- He gave her some tablets.
The banker :
- What kind of tablets?
The breeder answers:
- I do not know, but they have the taste of strawberry.
- So how's our bull?
The breeder answers:
- Well, not bad! I put it in the meadow with all the heifers to project, and he did not want to do anything to them.
The banker answers him:
- You'd better call the vet.
A few days later, the banker meets the breeder again:
- And how's our bull now?
The breeder answers:
- Impeccable. He raised all my heifers, then he went over the fence, and now he's taking care of the neighbor's cows.
The banker :
- Eh eh ! And what did the vet give him?
The breeder answers:
- He gave her some tablets.
The banker :
- What kind of tablets?
The breeder answers:
- I do not know, but they have the taste of strawberry.
In downtown Manhattan, a Rolls parks in front of a bank.
In downtown Manhattan, a Rolls parks in front of a bank.
Down a beautiful blonde who returns to the institution and asks for a loan of 2000 euros.
The charge d'affaire asks him for a guarantee as well as the duration of the loan.
The blonde offers, as a guarantee, the Rolls parked in front of the bank and indicates that the loan will be refunded on his return from Paris in a fortnight.
On these facts, the blonde goes away, while the charge d'affaire and his director escapes:
"You really have to be a blonde to offer a Rolls as a guarantee of a loan of 2000 euros".
The week passes, the blonde goes back to the bank and asks to repay the loan to recover his Rolls.
The banker runs against 2000 euros and adds 30 euros interest and fees.
Taken of a certain remorse the banker asks:
"You do not seem to need 2000 euros, so why leave a car of this price for a sum you apparently do not need?"
and the blonde to answer:
"Because 30 euros is the best price I could find to safely park my Rolls for 15 days in the middle of Manhattan!"
Down a beautiful blonde who returns to the institution and asks for a loan of 2000 euros.
The charge d'affaire asks him for a guarantee as well as the duration of the loan.
The blonde offers, as a guarantee, the Rolls parked in front of the bank and indicates that the loan will be refunded on his return from Paris in a fortnight.
On these facts, the blonde goes away, while the charge d'affaire and his director escapes:
"You really have to be a blonde to offer a Rolls as a guarantee of a loan of 2000 euros".
The week passes, the blonde goes back to the bank and asks to repay the loan to recover his Rolls.
The banker runs against 2000 euros and adds 30 euros interest and fees.
Taken of a certain remorse the banker asks:
"You do not seem to need 2000 euros, so why leave a car of this price for a sum you apparently do not need?"
and the blonde to answer:
"Because 30 euros is the best price I could find to safely park my Rolls for 15 days in the middle of Manhattan!"
Three insurance brokers meet around the buffet of a sales seminar
Three insurance brokers meet around the buffet of a sales seminar. They take the opportunity to show off their respective insurance companies. The first says to the other two:
- When one of our policyholders dies accidentally on a Monday, if we are informed in the day, we can prepare the premium for the wife the same day and she will have her check Wednesday morning in the mail!
The second does not want to be left out:
If one of our policyholders dies by accident on a Monday, we are informed within two hours and we can provide the widow her check in the evening!
The last seller announces them triumphantly:
- Everything you just said is nothing. My office is in Place Ville Marie on the tenth floor. One day, one of our insureds was washing tiles on the 22nd floor when he slipped and fell off . Well, you'll believe me if you want, but we gave him his check when he fell in front of us!
- When one of our policyholders dies accidentally on a Monday, if we are informed in the day, we can prepare the premium for the wife the same day and she will have her check Wednesday morning in the mail!
The second does not want to be left out:
If one of our policyholders dies by accident on a Monday, we are informed within two hours and we can provide the widow her check in the evening!
The last seller announces them triumphantly:
- Everything you just said is nothing. My office is in Place Ville Marie on the tenth floor. One day, one of our insureds was washing tiles on the 22nd floor when he slipped and fell off . Well, you'll believe me if you want, but we gave him his check when he fell in front of us!
When I say that my wealth is inner
When I say that my wealth is inner, I mean that my money is in a safe.
In a department store, a woman loses her handbag, in the rush of this first day of Sales.
In a department store, a woman loses her handbag, in the rush of this first day of Sales.
Back home and desperate, there is a ring at the door. A young man appears, his purse under his arm!
- I dream ! So there are still honest people in this world! Thank you, thank you very much !
In front of him, she opens it; everything is there ! However, by opening his wallet ... his ticket of 50 Euros has disappeared, but it is there: 2 bills of 10, 1 of 20 and 2 of five Euros ...
Not understanding anything at all, she asks the young man
- How is that so?
To the youngster to retort:
- The other time, I brought a handbag to someone who thanked me without rewarding me. She did not have any money ...
Back home and desperate, there is a ring at the door. A young man appears, his purse under his arm!
- I dream ! So there are still honest people in this world! Thank you, thank you very much !
In front of him, she opens it; everything is there ! However, by opening his wallet ... his ticket of 50 Euros has disappeared, but it is there: 2 bills of 10, 1 of 20 and 2 of five Euros ...
Not understanding anything at all, she asks the young man
- How is that so?
To the youngster to retort:
- The other time, I brought a handbag to someone who thanked me without rewarding me. She did not have any money ...
Why are you paid less than some people?
Why are you paid less than some people?
Here is an answer element ...
Everyone knows the Salary Theorem which states that engineers and scientists can NEVER earn as much as businessmen and salespeople.
This theorem can finally be demonstrated by solving a simple mathematical equation.
Our equation is based on two well-known postulates:
Postulate N ° 1: Knowledge is Power
Postulate N ° 2: Time is Money
Every engineer knows that Power = Work / Time
Since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money we have:
Knowledge = Work / Money
We then easily obtain: Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, when Knowledge tends to zero, Time tends to infinity, whatever the value assigned to Work, this value can be very small.
Conversely, when Knowledge tends to infinity, then Money tends to zero, even if the Work value is high.
Hence the obvious conclusion: the less you know, the more money you make.
PS: Those of you who have had some difficulty in understanding ... must be the best paid ...
Here is an answer element ...
Everyone knows the Salary Theorem which states that engineers and scientists can NEVER earn as much as businessmen and salespeople.
This theorem can finally be demonstrated by solving a simple mathematical equation.
Our equation is based on two well-known postulates:
Postulate N ° 1: Knowledge is Power
Postulate N ° 2: Time is Money
Every engineer knows that Power = Work / Time
Since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money we have:
Knowledge = Work / Money
We then easily obtain: Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, when Knowledge tends to zero, Time tends to infinity, whatever the value assigned to Work, this value can be very small.
Conversely, when Knowledge tends to infinity, then Money tends to zero, even if the Work value is high.
Hence the obvious conclusion: the less you know, the more money you make.
PS: Those of you who have had some difficulty in understanding ... must be the best paid ...
What Money Can Do... MUST READ
Money ...
- He can buy a house ... but not a home.
- He can buy a bed ... but not sleep.
- He can buy a clock ... but no time.
- He can buy a book ... but not the knowledge.
- He can buy a position ... but not respect.
- He can pay the doctor ... but not health.
- He can buy blood ... but not life.
- He can buy sex ... but not love.
So as you can see, money is not much, and often it brings problems and suffering. We tell you this because you are our friends and we want to avoid these inconveniences.
So send us all your money and we will suffer for you. Cash only please, in small denominations ...
- He can buy a house ... but not a home.
- He can buy a bed ... but not sleep.
- He can buy a clock ... but no time.
- He can buy a book ... but not the knowledge.
- He can buy a position ... but not respect.
- He can pay the doctor ... but not health.
- He can buy blood ... but not life.
- He can buy sex ... but not love.
So as you can see, money is not much, and often it brings problems and suffering. We tell you this because you are our friends and we want to avoid these inconveniences.
So send us all your money and we will suffer for you. Cash only please, in small denominations ...
A blonde woman had financial problems, so she decided to
A blonde woman had financial problems, so she decided to kidnap a child to get a ransom in exchange.
She went to a park, kidnapped a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote on a leaf:
- I kidnapped your child. Leave 25,000 Euros in a brown paper bag behind the big Oak Park at 7:00 am tomorrow.
The message was signed: "The blonde"
She hung the sheet inside the boy's jacket and told him to go back home.
The next morning, the blonde returned to the park to recover the 25,000 Euros, as she had asked on the instructions.
The bag was there. And inside, the blonde found the following word:
- Here's your money, I never thought a blonde could do that to another blonde !!!
She went to a park, kidnapped a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote on a leaf:
- I kidnapped your child. Leave 25,000 Euros in a brown paper bag behind the big Oak Park at 7:00 am tomorrow.
The message was signed: "The blonde"
She hung the sheet inside the boy's jacket and told him to go back home.
The next morning, the blonde returned to the park to recover the 25,000 Euros, as she had asked on the instructions.
The bag was there. And inside, the blonde found the following word:
- Here's your money, I never thought a blonde could do that to another blonde !!!
Suggestion from your financial investment advisor.
FINANCIAL INVESTMENT...
Suggestion from your financial investment advisor.
You do not know what to do with your money? here is the solution:
Tattoo a dollar sign on your sex, and you will have the pleasure of having 6 advantages:
1) You will see your investment grow
2) You will enjoy touching your money
3) You will not see a bad eye anymore as your wife devours your savings
4) You will be the only one to decide how to protect it
5) You will be the only one to decide where to place it.
6) you will not be afraid of being exposed.
Your financial advisor
Suggestion from your financial investment advisor.
You do not know what to do with your money? here is the solution:
Tattoo a dollar sign on your sex, and you will have the pleasure of having 6 advantages:
1) You will see your investment grow
2) You will enjoy touching your money
3) You will not see a bad eye anymore as your wife devours your savings
4) You will be the only one to decide how to protect it
5) You will be the only one to decide where to place it.
6) you will not be afraid of being exposed.
Your financial advisor
MUST READ A guy arrives at his best friend, his wife opens the door for him.
A guy arrives at his best friend, his wife opens the door forhim.
- Hey, he's not here, Marcel? I must see him!
- Oh no he went for a race, it will not be long.
- Can I wait for it?
- Sure ! Come in and sit down! I bring you to drink.
As she came back with two beers, the boyfriend told her:
- You know, Betty, you really have the most beautiful breasts on the earth, I would pay 250 euro to see one!
Betty thinks for a second and thinks that since her husband sees them every day for free, there is no reason that his friend does not benefit either. She opens her bodice and takes out a breast to show it.
- What he is beautiful! It's a shame to see only one ... Here I still shoot you 250 euro and you show me both!
At the point where she was, Betty stripped her breasts completely.
The friend thanks her warmly and drops a 500 euro note on the table and leaves.
A little later, the husband comes back, his wife tells him that his friend was gone.
"Ah," replied the husband, "did he leave you the 500 euro he owed me?
- Hey, he's not here, Marcel? I must see him!
- Oh no he went for a race, it will not be long.
- Can I wait for it?
- Sure ! Come in and sit down! I bring you to drink.
As she came back with two beers, the boyfriend told her:
- You know, Betty, you really have the most beautiful breasts on the earth, I would pay 250 euro to see one!
Betty thinks for a second and thinks that since her husband sees them every day for free, there is no reason that his friend does not benefit either. She opens her bodice and takes out a breast to show it.
- What he is beautiful! It's a shame to see only one ... Here I still shoot you 250 euro and you show me both!
At the point where she was, Betty stripped her breasts completely.
The friend thanks her warmly and drops a 500 euro note on the table and leaves.
A little later, the husband comes back, his wife tells him that his friend was gone.
"Ah," replied the husband, "did he leave you the 500 euro he owed me?
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