If Men TRULY Ran The World

What would Happen If Men TRULY Ran The World, Funny Facts What would Happen If Men TRULY Ran The World.

Husband And Wife Joke

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

''MUST READ'' Things you'll never hear a man say, Men will Never Say This

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool MOTHERFUCKER.
2. No I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. Her tits are just too big.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody.
6. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I
can hold your purse.
8. Screw Monday Night Football, let's watch Ally.
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
11. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
12. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
13. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open
when she's getting ready for bed?. Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look
at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has too much nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No, I don't want to see your sister's tits.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on for Christ's sake

Funny And Hilarious Pick Up Lines That Work : Pick Up Lines That Work

• • Did you save this seat for me?
  • "Hey, I need your opinion on something…does my friend here look like a drug dealer?" (chicks usually either laugh or look quizzically) "Because we were outside and some dude came up to him and touched him on the shoulder like this… (cheap kino on girl) and asked, 'Hey man, you got some E?'" Ideally you will use this with a wing who doesn't look too straight-laced.
  • Omg…..did you guys see the girl fight outside? Yea these two girls were fighting outside over this guy named George. Yea they were really really white trash.
  • If I weren't gay, we could totally hang out. And swap guy stories, and eat ice cream over sex and the city. And say "god I feel so much like Samantha right now"
  • "Hey, my friend here just got invited to be on the Ricki Lake show. But the theme of the show is Secret Admirers. They told him he's got an admirer, but he won't find out whom until he's live on the set. So maybe it'll be someone cute, but maybe not; it might even be a guy. What would you do if you were him?"
  • You look fun, what's up
  • If a guy were to propose to you and give you an engagement ring. But then after you are engaged he cheats on you and you break up with him. Are you still entitled to give back the engagement ring or would you want to keep it just to spite him. The only reason I ask is that this happened to my buddies older brother and he is all pissed she kept the ring. Would you guys keep the ring?
  • Hey my girlfriend thinks your really hot
  • Hey I have a question for you guys and it might be the most life changing question you've ever heard. Do you floss before or after you brush?
  • "I lost a bet and I have to come here and ask the hottest girl on a date…who do you girls think is the hottest girl in this damn place?
  • Omg you look exactly like a girl I went to school with
• • Hey which way is ______ hall(somewhere she walking in the direction of)
  • Is it normal for girls to snoop? The only reason I ask is that because my buddy has been dating this girl for a while and they finally just moved in together. And she went through his stuff and found an old box of letters and pictures of his old girlfriend. He doesn't even look at it. He just has it. Well she found them and now she wants him to burn them or throw them away. Is this a little over the top? Shouldn't he be able to keep them?
  • Hey do you guys know the theme song to family matters. We're trying to remember it but we can't figure it out.
  • Who lies more men or women? My buddy and I have a joke bet going. He thinks that guys lie more but girls are better liars. And I think that girls lie more because they're better liars. Solve it for us, who do you think lies more?
  • "I find you two both very sexually attractive and would love having intercourse with either of you. (turn towards one) wanna come home?
  • Did you miss me?
  • If your dating a guy and kiss someone else is that cheating? What if you kiss another girl? Is that cheating. The only reason I ask is because my buddy over there has been dating this girl for a while and she likes to occasionally make out with other girls. My buddy doesn't like it and says it cheating but she says it's not cheating. So what do you guys think?
  • Grab a magazine, picture, newspaper, item, anything! Then just examine it, and turn to her and ask, "What do you think of how X looks?" or "Can you believe X!?" or "What is your opinion about X?"
  • How do you guys tell if a guy is gay or not? The only reason I ask is that we've gotta a buddy coming out to meet us tonight and we can't really tell if he's gay or not. I wouldn't even care if he was gay, we just want to know. He hangs out with tons of girls but he never dates any of them. It's weird. But how do you guys tell?
  • I'm lost… I can't find my friends and I'm scared… Remember when we were kids and you could just make new friends whenever you wanted… and you said 'want to be my friend?' Do you guys want to by my NEW friend?"
  • Hey pretend like your talking to me, my ex is over there.
  • Hey if you guys were dating a guy and they decided to go to overseas for a few months how long would you guys wait for a guy before you broke things off. The only reason I ask is because my buddies girlfriend went abroad to France for a semester and they decided to stay together but now she's over there and decided a year long internship. He doesn't know what to do? Do you think he should break it off with her? Hey maybe you guys can help me out, what's the best way to end a relationship with a girl without hurting her feelings … cuz this right here just isn't working for me. No my good buddy, is trying to cut things off. But he's doing it right now by just kinda ignoring her and not answering her calls.
  • Hey - you guys from here? Cause I'm just visiting the city... thinking of living here, but you know the thing with big cities like this is they can be very anonymous... difficult to meet people, and people can be so much more suspicious of strangers in large cities. So how did you guys find it when you first moved here? Was it difficult to create a social circle? (Challenges the group to demonstrate they are welcoming and not suspicious of strangers, also demonstrates you are a social guy.
  • If a guy were to propose to you and give you an engagement ring. But then after you are engaged he cheats on you and you break up with him. Are you still entitled to give back the engagement ring or would you want to keep it just to spite him. The only reason I ask is that this happened to my buddies older brother and he is all pissed she kept the ring. Would you guys keep the ring?
  • Hey my girlfriend thinks your really hot
  • Hey I have a question for you guys and it might be the most life changing question you've ever heard. Do you floss before or after you brush?
  • "I lost a bet and I have to come here and ask the hottest girl on a date…who do you girls think is the hottest girl in this damn place?

Funny And Hilarious Sweet Pick Up Lines, Sweet Pick Up Lines that work

• Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
• If I had to choose between breathing and loving you.... I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You"
• What time do you have to be back in heaven?
• Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after.
• When God made you, he was showing off.
• Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me

• I have a six inch tongue and I can breath through my ears.
• If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
• Why don't you get down on your knees and smile like a doughnut?
• Why do you have to be so damn fine every single day? Can't you take a break and let me concentrate on something else for a change?
• How was Heaven when you left it?

• Give me three good reasons why I shouldn't buy you a drink.
• You say "I'm sorry, but you owe me a drink" She says "Why?" You say "Because I dropped mine when I looked at you"
• I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
• Did it hurt when you fell from heaven
• Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
• What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
• Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by you again?
• Mind if i stand here until it's safe where i farted.
• What smiles, winks, is hung like a horse, and can last all night long? (smile and wink)
• Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
• You must wash your clothes with windex... because I can see myself in your pants!
• First buy an ice cream and find a hot girl, then say "I'm sorry to bother you, but your melting my ice cream!"
• My magical watch says you aren't wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
• Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?
• Go up to a girl and say "Hi! My name is Haywood Jablomee"
• Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over."
• My life is so sad and lonley (why) because your not in it
• You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
• there are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye
• "I want to tell you your fortune." Take her hand and write your phone number on it. "There's your future."
• If I had a nickel for every time I saw a girl as beautiful as you I'd have about... 5 cents.
• Wanna go halves on a bastard??? (Non-serious)
• If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.
• If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
• What do you say we go back to my crib and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.
• Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
• I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
• I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.
• If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
• Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
• Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
• If I were a fly, I'd be all over you, because you're the shit!
• Hey beautiful...that is your name right?
• Your eyes are as blue as the ocean, and baby im lost at sea
• When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you.
• Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
• I wish I was one of ur tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
• Do you remember when you were a little kid and you wanted a toy really bad when you went to the store, but your mom wouldn't let you get it, no matter how much you begged?? Well that's how I feel about you.
• If I was peter pan you'd be my happy thought!
• Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
• Excuse me, is your name Gillette? cause you're the best a man can get
• Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are clear like the ocean? Because I can see straight into your soul.
• Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?
• (On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
• I'm going outside to make out... care to join me?
• Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
• I bet you $20 you're gonna turn me down.
• If I had a garden I'd put your two lips and my two lips together.
• You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
• The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my crib and spread the word.
• Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
• Come on sweetheart, why don't you just let me put the head in... - what a classic.
• I'm just a love pirate lookin' for some booty.
• My boys over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?
• You say "You look just like my first wife" She says "How many times have you been married?" You say "never".
• If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
• I'm not actually this tall, I've got this bad habit of sitting on my wallet.
• I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
• Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
• Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
• "Fat penguin" (What!?) "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
• If you stood in front of a mirror and help up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
• If you had eleven roses and you looked in the mirror; then you'd see twelve of the most beautiful things in the world.
• How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice- can I get your number?
• God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one
• You: Can I borrow a quarter? She: why? ( if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why) You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. (have something prepared to quickly follow through)
• If I was your heart would you let me beat?
• Pick up a pack of sugar that actually says, "sugar" on it... then say "You dropped your nametag!"
• This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you..
• "No wonder the sky is grey today, all the blue is in your eyes."
• How about you come sit on my lap and we talk about the first thing that "pops" up!
• If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
• Can I even get a fake number?
• I bet I can kiss you on the lips without touching you.
• Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
• You make Paris Hilton look like a teletubbie.
• Do you have a map? Cos Honey, I just keep getting lost in your eyes.
• You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
• I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you
• Can you kiss me on the cheek so I can at least say a cute girl kissed me tonight?
• Are you tired? because you've been running through my mind since I got here.
• I think I can die happy now, coz I've just seen a piece of heaven.
• If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you'de be called the McGorgeous.
• "Do you want to go to breakfast?" (Sure) "Should I call you, or nudge you?"
• It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
• How does it feel? she ask's what; you say 2 be the only star in the sky
• The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
• Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
• I've got some Skittles in my mouth... wanna taste the rainbow?
• I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button.
• Hey baby do you like a man that can carry big things because I have the biggest sweetheart
• It's not my fault I fell in love, you're the one who tripped me!
• What's your name? Where you from? Do you plan on giving me some?
• Will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into that cheap motel room.
• If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?

Funny And Hilarious Pick Up Lines To Use On Girls, Pick Up Lines that work

• Wouldn't you and I look adorable on a wedding cake together?
• I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.
• I can tell just by looking at you that you're trouble.
• Do you know karate? Because your body is really kickin'.
• You're cool. You can help me pick up chicks.
• We'd never get along. We'd fight all the time. And I'd win.
• Is that what you say to all the guys? Is that one of your pickup lines?
• Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on…
• I saw you checking me out, if I didn't come and say hi I was scared you'd follow me home later.
• Did you come over here just to flirt with me?
• You're my new girlfriend for the night.
• I promised my friends that I wouldn't date bad girls anymore.
• Should I call you in the morning, or nudge you?

Funny And Hilarious Nerdy Pick Up Lines, Nerdy Pick Up Lines Ever Told

• Are you the square root of 2? because I feel irrational when I'm around youExcuse me, you just made my floppy a hard drive!
• My vector has a really large magnitude. Would you care to normalize it?
• If i was an enzyme, i'd be helicase so i could unzip your genes.
• Didn't I see you on xkcd?
• Baby, everytime i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
• It doesn't take a genius to see how gorgeous you are, but if it did, I would be overqualified.
• You're so hot, you must be the cause for global warming.
• Would you like to see the exponential growth of my natural log?
• I wish I were your second derivative so i could fill your concavities.
• Just being around you sets my synapses on fire.
• It's a good thing you've got evaporative cooling, cause I'm gonna make you sweat...
• Baby, you overclock my processor.
• Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity or time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.
• I must be the Sun and you must be Earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
• I couldn't help but notice your from across the room. What's your favorite app?
• What say you take the red pill and I show you how far your rabbit hole goes?
• If my right leg is the cell wall and my left the membrane, do you want to be the cytoplasm?
• Your name is Leslie? Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
• If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me: smooth or rough?
• I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
• You're like a Universal Turing Machine; you're the only one that I'll ever need.
• That dress would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s/s.
• Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?
• Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
• I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
• If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
• Baby ill be your asymptotes so i can shape your curves…
• You make me want to calibrate my joystick without the latest drivers...
• Baby, if they made you in Haskell, it would infer that you were just my type.
• I less than three you…(i < 3 you)
• Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen."
• I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves...
• Excuse me ma'am, but can I get your seven significant digits?
• How about we make like the change of base law, with you on the bottom, and me on top?
• Maybe later we can go over to my place and titrate until you reach your end-point…
• I'm relativistic: the faster I go, the longer I last.
• They're not comic books, they're graphic novels.
• I'd love to StumbleUpon you.
• I wish I was an Ion so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
• If I were an assembly language I'd jump to your address, shift right a bit, push it in, pop it out, load a byte into your accumulator, then jump if you're negative.
• What say you and me merge layers?
• In Euclidean geometry two parallel lines never touch … let's go back to my place and study some non-Euclidean geometry…
• Hey girl, let's get together and figure out our heat of fusion.
• Are you a Mac or PC? (Trick question; must be Linux!)
• You fascinate me more than the fundamental theorem of calculus.
• The way the light reflects off the angles of your head is extremely enchanting.
• You're so hot you denature my proteins.
• Hey baby, wanna form a zygote?
• Nobody turns me on from a cold boot like you.
• Baby, I'm a sorceress and when I looked at you I detected magic all over.
• Is your DM box full? 'Cause you've been tweeting around my mind all night!
• If I move my lips half the distance to yours… and then half again… and again… etc…. would they ever meet? no? Well in this specific case i am going to disprove your assumption.

Funny And hilarious Pick Up Line Ever Told.. MUST READ

Give me three good reasons why I shouldn't buy you a drink.

Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours.

Go up to a girl and say "Hi! My name is Haywood Jablomee"

You must work at Subway, 'cause you just gave me a footlong.

What smiles, winks, is hung like a horse, and can last all night long? (smile and wink)

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice- can I get your number?

First buy an ice cream and find a hot girl, then say "I'm sorry to bother you, but your melting my ice cream!"

I bet I can kiss you on the lips without touching you.

Why do you have to be so damn fine every single day? Can't you take a break and let me concentrate on something else for a change?

Excuse me, is your name Gillette? cause you're the best a man can get

Can you kiss me on the cheek so I can at least say a cute girl kissed me tonight?

When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you.

Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

I bet you $20 you're gonna turn me down.

Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Do you remember when you were a little kid and you wanted a toy really bad when you went to the store, but your mom wouldn't let you get it, no matter how much you begged?? Well that's how I feel about you.

Will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into that cheap motel room.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after.

Funny And hilarious Best Pick Up Lines : Best Pick Up Lines Ever told

• You say "You look just like my first wife" She says "How many times have you been married?" You say "never".
• If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?
• What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
• I have a six inch tongue and I can breath through my ears.
• "Fat penguin" (What!?) "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

• I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button.
• The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my crib and spread the word.
• If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
• What's your name? Where you from? Do you plan on giving me some?
• I'm going outside to make out... care to join me?
• Pick up a pack of sugar that actually says, "sugar" on it... then say "You dropped your nametag!"
• I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.

• I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you
• I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.
• Wanna go halves on a bastard??? (Non-serious)
• How about you come sit on my lap and we talk about the first thing that "pops" up!
• It's not my fault I fell in love, you're the one who tripped me!
• If I had a garden I'd put your two lips and my two lips together.
• The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
• If I was peter pan you'd be my happy thought!
• I'm not actually this tall, I've got this bad habit of sitting on my wallet.
• "I want to tell you your fortune." Take her hand and write your phone number on it. "There's your future."
• Your skin is so creamy I bet you never even had a zit on your ass.
• If I were a fly, I'd be all over you, because you're the shit!
• Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?
• You say "I'm sorry, but you owe me a drink" She says "Why?" You say "Because I dropped mine when I looked at you"
• If you stood in front of a mirror and help up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
• You say "Do you want to do a 68?" she says "What's that?" you say "You go down, and I'll owe you one."
• I'm going to have sex with you tonight, so... you might as well be there.
• Hey beautiful...that is your name right?
• If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
• I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
• My boys over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?
• You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
• I've got some Skittles in my mouth... wanna taste the rainbow?
• Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
• Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by you again?
• You make Paris Hilton look like a teletubbie.
• Can I even get a fake number?
• What do you say we go back to my crib and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.
• If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
• When God made you, he was showing off.
• "Do you want to go to breakfast?" (Sure) "Should I call you, or nudge you?"
• Come on sweetheart, why don't you just let me put the head in... - what a classic
• If I had a nickel for every time I saw a girl as beautiful as you I'd have about... 5 cents.Give me 

Funny And Hilarious Romantic Pick Up Lines, Romantic Pick Up Lines ever told

• Seeing you makes my heart beat uncontrollably fast.That sweater looks nice on you but it would look nicer crumpled up beside my bed.
• You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming?
• I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
• Where have you been all my life?
• Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
• Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?
• Look, I like you already, what say we get to know each other?
• I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.
• I think you're the light at the end of my tunnel.
• Do you have a bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
• There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
• Can you catch? I think I'm falling for you.
• If I kissed you I'd go weak at the knees.
• My stars said I would meet the woman of my dreams tonight.
• You look like a girl who has heard every pick up line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
• Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
• Of all the chairs, in all the bars, in all the world, and you have to sit next to mine.
• Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only lovers will leave a footprint on your heart. And you my dear have left one great leap on mine!

Funny And Hilarious Pick Up Lines, Hilarious Pick Up Lines

• I need a job! Make me your husband! God must have been working very late that day, when he was making you!
• If I said you had a beautiful body, would you throw it on top of me?
• I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.
• How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
• Excuse me, are you ready to go home yet?
• Voila! I came all the way from Venus – the planet of love, looking for you!
• Do you have any tacos on you? (No.) In that case, will you make out with me?
• That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
• Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.
• I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.
• You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.
• I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
• Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.
• You see my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I'm cute.
• I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.
• Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

Funny And Hilarious Pickup Lines For Girls : Pickup Lines For Girls

This page consists of pickup lines for girls to use on guys.

• (Brush against him and say) I’m sorry. You look familiar.
• (Trip and fall into his lap; then say) I’m sorry! I’m so clumsy.
• (If a man is staring, go up to him and say) Well. Do you want to go out or not?
• (Send a note via waiter to a man that says) “Here is my phone number. Would you like to have coffee some time?
• Didn’t I see you in GQ?
• (For the younger ladies to use on a boy) I was going to double-date with my friend and her date, but mine cancelled. Would you go with me?
• You look like a real challenge.
• My girlfriend thinks we should meet and go out because we’d be perfect for each other.
• Hi! You look interesting.
• Aren’t you the poster boy for erectile dysfunction?
• Maybe my sight’s going, but you’re the hottest guy I’ve seen all night!
• You look like the kind of guy who likes pizza and beer.
• I love sports.
• I love beer.
• Did you go to __________(name of high school or college)__________?
• How would you like to deliver me from temptation?
• I thought about introducing you to my sister, but I’m not that generous.
• Are you a stuntman?
• I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners.
• (As you walk by the person you’re attracted to, turn around and say) Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? (No.) No? Damn!
• Was your dad a baker? You’ve got a nice set of buns.
• Do you go to ___________(name of gym)________________?
• How about going to the game on Saturday?
• I’ve got a hot tub at home.
• Aren’t you Sheila Graham’s (use any name) cousin?
• You look familiar. Did you graduate from The University of Handsome Men?
• You’re handsomer than George Clooney and Brad Pitt – rolled into one!
• Are you going to ask me out? Or, do I have to lie to my diary?
• I like inexperienced men.
• (Approach a man with a pen or anything and say) Did you drop this? (No.) Oh, it must be a lame excuse for me to talk to you.
• Which one of you guys is buying my drinks?
• Hey, Leather! You’re with me!

Funny And Hilarious Bad Pickup Lines - The Worst Pick Up Lines Ever Told

If you're a woman who goes to bars or clubs very often, then you've surely heard some bad pickup lines. In fact, you've probably heard all of these. We still think that even though these are really bad, most of them are pretty funny too. Enjoy.

• Hi! I decided to quit meeting women at our family reunions.
• My wife just died.
• My husband just died.
• What’s your sign?
• What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
• The more I drink, the better you look.
• If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
• Where have you been all my life?
• Your place or mine?
• I swing both ways; I like boys – and men.
• There are two kinds of people in the world: my kind and millions of jerks.
• Are there any more at home like you?
• Baby, you’re lookin’ gooooood!
• I hate bars, don’t you?
• Is that a tic-tac in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
• Gee, you don’t sweat much for a fat chick.
• Will you light my fire? (No.) Will you light my farts?
• My favorite sport is channel surfing. Want to hop on my board?
• Approach a table of women, whip out your goods and say, “See anybody here you recognize?”
• I’ve had quite a bit to drink and you’re beginning to look pretty good.
• Hey baby, ya wanna get lucky?
• Does this smell like chloroform to you?
• I used to have acne like that. Want to know how I cured it?
• (At the beach) The surf isn’t the only thing that’s up.
• That’s last call. Wanna hook up?
• Wow, somebody smells fantastic! Did you just fart?
• Are you into handcuffs and leather?
• Do you have a job?
• I’ll bet I’ve been married more times than you have!
• Have you tried the South Beach diet?
• What stinks?
• What flavor is your underwear?
• My name is John Wayne Gacy. Do you have a brother I can meet?
• Aren’t you in therapy?
• Hey, honey. Pull my finger.
• Did you forget to get a bikini wax, or do you like having the Brazilian rain forest in your pants?
• I’m dyslexic. Fanna Wuck?
• So, how many plastic surgeries have you had?
• I have six toes on one foot.
• Are those real?
• Listen! Just a heads-up. Herpes is a deal breaker for me.
• Who was your divorce lawyer?
• I’ve seen Deep Throat ten times. It was kind of a complicated movie, but I was finally able to get it all down.
• What college do you go to? I go to UBW, the University of Big Weenies; I’m the president.
• Those are bodacious ta-tas!
• Is that a book you’re reading?

Funny And Hilarious Good Pickup Lines - The Best Pick Up Lines ever told

• That’s a cute (or big, great) dog! What breed is he?
• Don’t you work at __________(name of company)________?
• Wasn’t that a great song? (or show or group or drummer, etc.)
• Can you show me how to pick a ripe melon? (in the grocery store)
• My dog just died.
• Do you want to come back to my place and watch Sports Center?
• My dad always said I’d meet a great girl someday.
• Would you want to take our dogs to the dog park Sunday?
• Would you want to go jogging Saturday?
• There’s a baseball (football, soccer, basketball, hockey) game on Saturday. Want to go?
• Don’t you go to __________(name of gym, high school or college)___________?
• Aren’t you ___________(girl’s or guy’s name)__________ friend?
• Have you ever seen the ___________________ Museum?
• Do you surf? (Or rollerblade, mountain bike, ski, jog, etc.)
• I love wineries. How about you?
• Try some of this Merlot (or Chablis, Chardonnay, Muscat Cannelli)
• Have you read __________(name of book)___________ ? (in a bookstore)
• Could I join you? This place is really busy! (in a crowded restaurant or coffee bar)
• Have you tried the Mocha Caramel Frappuchino? (in a coffee bar)
• What a great cat (or dog or whatever)! (at a vet’s)
• Would you like to meet for coffee sometime? (Send a note over with your name and phone number.)
• (Note sent over with your name) Meet me here next Saturday night at 8. I’ll carry a red rose.
• (To a man with red hair) You’ve got a Howdy Doody face, but it’s sure cute!
• Do you want to get out of here?
• I want you to have my children; they’re in the car outside.
• I’ll be your slave tonight.
• You have a gorgeous smile.
• The only thing your eyes don’t say is your name.
• I’m on a scavenger hunt and one of the things I need is a gorgeous woman.
• You must be the reason I don’t have a date tonight.
• I’m a misunderstood genius.

Funny And Hilarious Stupid Pickup Lines - The Dumb, Sad Pick Up Lines Ever Told

• Your eyes are all red, my favorite color.
• Spill a drink on someone and say, “Let’s get you out of those wet clothes…at my place.”
• I have an “owie” on my _(body part)__. Will you kiss it and make it better?
• Are you going out with me, or do I have to stalk you?
• I’m no Fred Flintstone, but I sure could make your bed rock.
• Asians float my boat.
• Call me, but if another chick (or guy) answers, hang up.
• My feet smell like Doritos.
• Do you ever record your farts?
• Are you a ho? Because I have money, bitch.
• How much?
• Can I warm my hands in your hot breasts?
• Are your nipples pierced?
• Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
• You’re ugly, but you interest me.
• For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.
• I live with my mom, but she doesn't care when my other friends come over to play naked Super Saiyan. Lights out by 9 and we must be asleep by 9:30.
• Is that your sister? She has really big ta-ta's for a fourteen-year old.
• Beer can be a real miracle drug. I couldn't control my herpes without it.
• I'm so glad you agreed to go out with me. I just started using Viagra, and I've been wanting to see how well it works.
• I'm glad we're going out. I got eight kids at home that need a new mama.
• Man your friend looks incredible! Can I have her number just in case things don't work out with you tonight?
• There’s a bed in my van.\
• (For high-school kids) Do you ever ditch school?
• Do you sleep naked?
• (To a man) I think I’m a Lesbian.
• (To a woman) I’m bisexual.
• Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m really horny, let’s go and screw.
• (Man to woman) What’s your favorite colour? (Reply) Mine’s boobs!

Funny And Hilarious Worst Pickup Lines - The Lamest Pick Up Lines Ever told

The worst pickup lines they could find and came up with this list. We thoroughly recommend reading this and having a little fun laughing at them, but we also recommend NOT using these lines in public. They could get you slapped or thrown out of a bar or club, but they will not help you meet someone new. (Not someone you'd probably be interested in anyway.

• When you date as many prostitutes, strippers, and junkies as I do, it's nice to finally be going out with a classy woman like you!
• That Big Mac and fries cost $5.24. That means when we go to my place later you owe me $5.24 worth of poontang.
• If we're stopped by the cops this is your brother's car and you don't know what's in the trunk!
• There are three words I want to tell you...."You're Too Fat."
• Remember when the stripper comes over I do the tipping.
• Are you one of Charlie’s angels, or one of Satan’s skanks?
• (Man to woman): Wow, you kiss like my sister.
• (Woman to man): Wow, you kiss like my father.
• My wife doesn't mind that I have girlfriends. They usually baby sit the kids when I take her out.
• If you’re into booty, my butt is so big, I could moon Europe!
• Do you want to go for a ride in my car? It’s a hot rod!
• I usually date attractive girls, but I've decided I really should be with someone more like you.
• Wanna free my willy? It’s a whale of a job.
• Let's cut to the chase baby…how much?
• So let me get this straight, yes means yes, and no means tie you up, right?
• Know anywhere to hide a body?
• All the voices in my head agree: You look beautiful.
• Baby, you look so good I'd bang you in front of my wife's attorney.
• I had to kill my (boyfriend/girlfriend) last week. I had to put (him/her) out of my misery.
• No need to buy any popcorn, I snuck this whole bucket of fried chicken skin into the movies so we could eat for free.
• So which movie do you want to see? "Lord of the Rings?" I heard that was good! I'll be watching "Black Hawk Down". I'll meet you in the lobby when it's over.
• I can't believe the car broke down. Could you walk to a service station and call a cab?
• Do you want to get Mexican food? Tom likes Mexican food. Mexican food makes Tom fart. Why are you looking at Tom that way?
• Didn’t I see you on the cover of Cosmo?
• I don’t like to wear nylons. When I fart, it looks like I have epilepsy.
• I got divorced today. I was kind of down before, but it’s OK now; she’s still my sister.
• Let’s get hammered, and then I’ll nail ya!
• Want a tic-tac? (No, thanks.) Please! Take one!
• (To a middle-aged person) At our age, what can we count on in life? Depends, I guess.
• (Holding a quarter) Heads it’s your place; tails it’s mine.
• What’s with the unibrow look?
• Didn’t I see you at Overeaters Anonymous?
• Whatever you’re thinking, I hope it’s X-rated.
• Which one of you gals wants to come home with me and cook dinner?

Funny And hilarious Cheesy Pickup Lines - The Cheesiest Pick Up Lines Ever Told

Cheesy pickup lines are good for more than just getting a laugh. With the right attitude and the right delivery, even the cheesiest pick up line can help you to stand out from the other men hanging out at the bar. And reading through some of the cheese on this page might make you a little more comfortable coming up with your own original lines, too. Enjoy these "cheesy pickup lines".

• Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend
• I’ve never seen anyone as gorgeous as you, and I’ve been in more bars than a gigolo on speed.
• So, what’s up with him (or her)?
• Don’t you work at Hooters?
• I’ve only got three months to live.
• I leave for Iraq (or any war zone) tomorrow.
• Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
• Will you help the homeless? Take me home with you.
• Is farting an issue with you?
• Pardon me while I fart.
• I’m recovering from surgery.
• Is that your ass, or does your back have the mumps?
• I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me.
• You look like Pamela Anderson’s sister.
• Let’s go see Talladega Nights and Beer Fest!
• Do you like beer and football? (To a woman)
• Do you like opera? (To a man)
• Man to woman: I’ll bet getting a date with you is more difficult than a five-finger prostate exam.
• (Slur the words a little, but make it funny): Would you like to trip the fight lantastic?
• Is that pizza I smell?
• Are you from New York?
• Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
• I like older women.
• Can you get the drinks? I need bail money.
• So, what are you...about a double D?
• Is there a lion in your jungle?
• I’m a businessman. I work in orifices, got any openings?
• Are you a natural blonde?
• You look like an underwear model.
• I’ll bet there’s a tiger in your tank!
• I’m like the Energizer bunny; I just keep goin’ and goin’ and goin’.
• Put your arms around me, honey. Hold me tight! Let’s cuddle up and cuddle up with all our might!
• If we’re going to have sex later, you probably should be there.
• If buns were a status symbol, you’d be on the A List!
• I’ve got a condom with your name on it!
• Your butt is so good, it’s a shame you have to sit on it.
• Feel like getting’ pissed?
• You’re the cutest zombie I’ve ever seen.
• Heyyyyy…sweet thing.
• Some men go around telling women they have an eight inch penis; I’d never shortchange myself like that!