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Showing posts with label LAWYER JOKES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LAWYER JOKES. Show all posts
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car,
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
A local United Way office realised that the organisation had never received a donation
A local United Way office realised that the organisation had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train compartment.
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train compartment.
The Russian takes a bottle of vodka from his travel bag, pours himself a drink, drinks it and says:
- In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world. Nowhere else will you find finer vodka. And we have so many that we can throw it as we want ...
And saying this, the Russian opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle out the window.
All other travelers are quite impressed.
The Cuban then takes his box of Havana from his pocket, takes out one, turns it on, starts smoking and says:
- In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world. The quality of our Havana is recognized around the world. We have so many at home that I can throw them out the window.
Once again, everyone is impressed in the compartment.
And at that moment, the American gets up, grabs the lawyer and throws him out the window.
The Russian takes a bottle of vodka from his travel bag, pours himself a drink, drinks it and says:
- In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world. Nowhere else will you find finer vodka. And we have so many that we can throw it as we want ...
And saying this, the Russian opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle out the window.
All other travelers are quite impressed.
The Cuban then takes his box of Havana from his pocket, takes out one, turns it on, starts smoking and says:
- In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world. The quality of our Havana is recognized around the world. We have so many at home that I can throw them out the window.
Once again, everyone is impressed in the compartment.
And at that moment, the American gets up, grabs the lawyer and throws him out the window.
A lawyer and a blonde sit next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York
A lawyer and a blonde sit next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks her if she would like to play a fun little game. The blonde is tired and only wants to take a nap, so she declines politely and turns to the window to slumber. The lawyer persists and says that the game is really easy and very fun. He explains how the game works:
? I ask you a question and if you do not know the answer you pay me and vice versa.
Still, she declines politely and tries to get some rest. The chauvinist lawyer figure that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:
? OK, yes. What do you think, if you do not know the answer you will pay me only 5?, But if I do not know the answer, will I pay you 50?
This grabs the attention of the blonde and thinks that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays and she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
? What is the distance between the earth and the moon?
The blonde does not say a word. She puts her hand to her purse, takes out a note of five? and give it to the lawyer. Now it's the turn of the blonde. She asks the lawyer:
? What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four?
The lawyer looks at her with puzzlement. He takes his laptop and looks in all his references. It connects to the internet with its modem and cell phone. He researches on the internet and even at the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his colleagues and friends he knows. After an hour, he finally gives up looking for the answer. He wakes the blonde and gives him 50? The blonde takes the 50? politely and turns to go back to sleep. The lawyer who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks:
? Well, so what's the answer?
Still without a word, she carries her hand to her wallet and gives 5? to the lawyer and she goes back to sleep.
? I ask you a question and if you do not know the answer you pay me and vice versa.
Still, she declines politely and tries to get some rest. The chauvinist lawyer figure that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:
? OK, yes. What do you think, if you do not know the answer you will pay me only 5?, But if I do not know the answer, will I pay you 50?
This grabs the attention of the blonde and thinks that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays and she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
? What is the distance between the earth and the moon?
The blonde does not say a word. She puts her hand to her purse, takes out a note of five? and give it to the lawyer. Now it's the turn of the blonde. She asks the lawyer:
? What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four?
The lawyer looks at her with puzzlement. He takes his laptop and looks in all his references. It connects to the internet with its modem and cell phone. He researches on the internet and even at the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his colleagues and friends he knows. After an hour, he finally gives up looking for the answer. He wakes the blonde and gives him 50? The blonde takes the 50? politely and turns to go back to sleep. The lawyer who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks:
? Well, so what's the answer?
Still without a word, she carries her hand to her wallet and gives 5? to the lawyer and she goes back to sleep.
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We
have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor
man he stated, "You come with us, too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also
have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with
you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We
have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor
man he stated, "You come with us, too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also
have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with
you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
Hilarious Commets : Subject: Disorder in the Court
Subject: Disorder in the Court
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court."
> > >These are things people actually said in court, word for
> > >word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
> > >How did they keep from laughing while these were all
> > >taking place?
> > >__________________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: What is your date of birth?
> > >A: July 14th
> > >Q: What year?
> > >A: Every year
> > >_____________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
> > >A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > >_____________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> > >A: Yes.
> > >Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > >A: I forget.
> > >Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've
forgotten?
> > >______________________________________________
> > >Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > >A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > >Q: How long has he lived with you?
> > >A: Forty-five years.
> > >______________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
> > >when he woke up that morning?
> > >A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > >Q: And why did that upset you?
> > >A: My name is Susan.
> > >_________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: And where was the location of the accident?
> > >A: Approximately milepost 499.
> > >Q: And where is milepost 499?
> > >A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
> > >_______________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
> > >A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
> > >_________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
> > >A: After the accident?
> > >Q: Before the accident.
> > >A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
> > >________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights
> > >flashing?
> > >A: Yes.
> > >Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
> > >A: Yes, sir.
> > >Q: What did she say?
> > >A: What disco am I at?
> > >________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
> > >doesn't
> > >know about it until the next morning?
> > >
> > >A: Would you repeat that question, please?
> > >________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
> > >_________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > >_________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > >A: Yes.
> > >Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> > >A: I resent that question.
> > >_________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: She had three children, right?
> > >A: Yes.
> > >Q: How many were boys?
> > >A: None.
> > >Q: Were there any girls?
> > >__________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
> > >A: Yes.
> > >Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
> > >__________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > >A: By death.
> > >Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Can you describe the individual?
> > >A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > >Q: Was this a male or a female?
> > >_________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I
> > >sent
> > >to your attorney?
> > >A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> > >A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > >_______________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
> > >A: OK.
> > >Q: What school did you go to?
> > >A: Oral.
> > >_________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > >A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > >Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> > >A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
> on
> > >him.
> > >___________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > >___________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
> > >A: No.
> > >Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > >A: No.
> > >Q: Did you check for breathing?
> > >A: No.
> > >Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the
> > >autopsy?
> > >A: No.
> > >Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > >A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > >Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
> > >A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
> > >somewhere.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court."
> > >These are things people actually said in court, word for
> > >word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
> > >How did they keep from laughing while these were all
> > >taking place?
> > >__________________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: What is your date of birth?
> > >A: July 14th
> > >Q: What year?
> > >A: Every year
> > >_____________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
> > >A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > >_____________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> > >A: Yes.
> > >Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > >A: I forget.
> > >Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've
forgotten?
> > >______________________________________________
> > >Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > >A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > >Q: How long has he lived with you?
> > >A: Forty-five years.
> > >______________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
> > >when he woke up that morning?
> > >A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > >Q: And why did that upset you?
> > >A: My name is Susan.
> > >_________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: And where was the location of the accident?
> > >A: Approximately milepost 499.
> > >Q: And where is milepost 499?
> > >A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
> > >_______________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
> > >A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
> > >_________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
> > >A: After the accident?
> > >Q: Before the accident.
> > >A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
> > >________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights
> > >flashing?
> > >A: Yes.
> > >Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
> > >A: Yes, sir.
> > >Q: What did she say?
> > >A: What disco am I at?
> > >________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
> > >doesn't
> > >know about it until the next morning?
> > >
> > >A: Would you repeat that question, please?
> > >________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
> > >_________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > >_________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > >A: Yes.
> > >Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> > >A: I resent that question.
> > >_________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: She had three children, right?
> > >A: Yes.
> > >Q: How many were boys?
> > >A: None.
> > >Q: Were there any girls?
> > >__________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
> > >A: Yes.
> > >Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
> > >__________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > >A: By death.
> > >Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Can you describe the individual?
> > >A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > >Q: Was this a male or a female?
> > >_________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I
> > >sent
> > >to your attorney?
> > >A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> > >A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > >_______________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
> > >A: OK.
> > >Q: What school did you go to?
> > >A: Oral.
> > >_________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > >A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > >Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> > >A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
> on
> > >him.
> > >___________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > >___________________________________________
> > >
> > >Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
> > >A: No.
> > >Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > >A: No.
> > >Q: Did you check for breathing?
> > >A: No.
> > >Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the
> > >autopsy?
> > >A: No.
> > >Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > >A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > >Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
> > >A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
> > >somewhere.
Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer
CARDINAL RULE: Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you
cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you
cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
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