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| Do not piss off old people |
Showing posts with label HOSPITAL JOKES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HOSPITAL JOKES. Show all posts
Happiness Quotes That Will Make You Smile with Beautiful
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| Happiness Quotes That Will Make You Smile with Beautiful |
Terrible Restaurant Signs, Funny Restaurant Signs Hilarious Restaurant Signs
Terrible Restaurant Signs, Funny Restaurant Signs Hilarious Restaurant Signs
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband
>>A young
lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the
>>midwife
if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
>>
>>"I'm
afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.
>>
>>"O.K.
do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
>>
>>"No,
no boyfriend either."
>>
>>"Do
you have a partner then?"
>>
>>"No,
I'm unattached; I'll be having the baby on my own."
>>
>>After
the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a
>>healthy
bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that
>>the
baby is black."
>>
>>"Well,"
replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and
>>nowhere
to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man
>>was
black."
>>
>>"Oh,
I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business
>>and I'm
sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must
>>also
tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
>>
>>"Well
yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the
>>money
and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else
>>could I
do?"
>>
>>"Oh,
I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business
>>and I
hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
>>
>>Well
yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a
>>little
Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
>>
>>At this
the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to
>>the
girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear.
>>
>>The
baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for
that!"
>>
>>"What
do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.
>>
>>"Well,"
says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling
>>t I that she was going to bark."
The best jokes about doctors, the best jokes, JOKES about doctors , the best of nurses jokes!
The best jokes about doctors, the best jokes, JOKES about doctors , the best of nurses jokes!
In a clinic, a doctor makes his tour of the rooms, when he comes across a guy masturbating violently. Shock, he calls a nurse and asks what's going on. The nurse answers him:
- This gentleman suffers from a rare disease, which causes an overproduction of sperm in the testicles. If this man does not masturbate every two hours, his testicles can explode and he can die in excruciating pain ... The doctor is surprised, but continues his tour and two rooms further, here is a nurse sucking a patient as if his life depended on it! He recalls the nurse and asks him:
- And that what is it ?
- The same thing, but he has an excellent mutual ...
It is not going well at all
- Doctor, that's not good at all. When I press my heart, it hurts me. When I feel my liver, the pain is intense, and when I touch my belly, it hurts me too. Do you have an idea of what I have?
- Yes, sir, the broken finger.
Alphonse, 75, goes to see his doctor for a sperm analysis.
His doctor gives him a small bottle and tells him to come back the next day for analysis.
The next day, the man gives him the bottle; Empty and clean. The doctor asks him why.
- Hey! Well, here, doctor. I tried with the right hand, without success. With the left hand, nothing. So, I asked my wife to help me. She tried with the right hand then the left. Always nothing. Then she tried with the mouth, with her teeth, without her teeth. Still without success. So, we asked the young neighbor who tried with the right hand, the left, with her mouth, with her teeth, without her teeth ...
The doctor, shocked, interrupts him:
- You even ask the help of the neighbor? ...
- Hey! yes, doctor. You see, we tried everything and we still could not open this fucking bottle!
At the hospital, a beautiful young woman waiting in the corridor on her stretcher before being taken to the operating room for a small surgery. She worries a little anyway, especially since the clock is ticking. A guy in a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet that covers it and examines his naked body. He folds the sheet, moves away to other white coats and discusses.
A second in a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet and examines it. Then he leaves again.
When the third white blouse approaches, raises the sheet, and scrutinizes it, the young woman becomes impatient: "It is all beautiful these auscultations, but when will you operate?"
The man in the white coat shrugs: "I have no idea, we painted the hallway. "
In a clinic, a doctor makes his tour of the rooms, when he comes across a guy masturbating violently. Shock, he calls a nurse and asks what's going on. The nurse answers him:
- This gentleman suffers from a rare disease, which causes an overproduction of sperm in the testicles. If this man does not masturbate every two hours, his testicles can explode and he can die in excruciating pain ... The doctor is surprised, but continues his tour and two rooms further, here is a nurse sucking a patient as if his life depended on it! He recalls the nurse and asks him:
- And that what is it ?
- The same thing, but he has an excellent mutual ...
It is not going well at all
- Doctor, that's not good at all. When I press my heart, it hurts me. When I feel my liver, the pain is intense, and when I touch my belly, it hurts me too. Do you have an idea of what I have?
- Yes, sir, the broken finger.
Alphonse, 75, goes to see his doctor for a sperm analysis.
His doctor gives him a small bottle and tells him to come back the next day for analysis.
The next day, the man gives him the bottle; Empty and clean. The doctor asks him why.
- Hey! Well, here, doctor. I tried with the right hand, without success. With the left hand, nothing. So, I asked my wife to help me. She tried with the right hand then the left. Always nothing. Then she tried with the mouth, with her teeth, without her teeth. Still without success. So, we asked the young neighbor who tried with the right hand, the left, with her mouth, with her teeth, without her teeth ...
The doctor, shocked, interrupts him:
- You even ask the help of the neighbor? ...
- Hey! yes, doctor. You see, we tried everything and we still could not open this fucking bottle!
At the hospital, a beautiful young woman waiting in the corridor on her stretcher before being taken to the operating room for a small surgery. She worries a little anyway, especially since the clock is ticking. A guy in a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet that covers it and examines his naked body. He folds the sheet, moves away to other white coats and discusses.
A second in a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet and examines it. Then he leaves again.
When the third white blouse approaches, raises the sheet, and scrutinizes it, the young woman becomes impatient: "It is all beautiful these auscultations, but when will you operate?"
The man in the white coat shrugs: "I have no idea, we painted the hallway. "
A man who seems to be literally exhausted is going to see his doctor.
A man who seems to be literally exhausted is going to see his doctor.
- Doctor, it can not last anymore. They will kill me ...
- Ha good ??? But who wants your death?
- It's the dogs of the neighborhood who roost every night around my house and they bark until dawn. I can not sleep anymore ...
- Do not worry. I have what you need. This is a new sleeping pill that works very well.
- Great !!! I want to try anything as long as I can sleep at last ..
A few weeks later, the man is back at his doctor, and he looks even more tired than the first time.
- Doctor, what you proposed to me 15 days ago, it does not work. I am still much more tired than before ...
The doctor, incredulous, shakes his head from left to right:
- I do not understand how it is possible ... But it is the sleeping pill the strongest of the market ...
- Maybe ... But when I get up at night to run after the dogs, well it's not easy to catch one and make him swallow these pesky tablets, you know ...
- Doctor, it can not last anymore. They will kill me ...
- Ha good ??? But who wants your death?
- It's the dogs of the neighborhood who roost every night around my house and they bark until dawn. I can not sleep anymore ...
- Do not worry. I have what you need. This is a new sleeping pill that works very well.
- Great !!! I want to try anything as long as I can sleep at last ..
A few weeks later, the man is back at his doctor, and he looks even more tired than the first time.
- Doctor, what you proposed to me 15 days ago, it does not work. I am still much more tired than before ...
The doctor, incredulous, shakes his head from left to right:
- I do not understand how it is possible ... But it is the sleeping pill the strongest of the market ...
- Maybe ... But when I get up at night to run after the dogs, well it's not easy to catch one and make him swallow these pesky tablets, you know ...
He's a guy who's not doing well at all. He goes to the hospital.
He's a guy who's not doing well at all. He goes to the hospital.
After a lot of tests, the doctor tells him:
- I have bad news for you ... You have syphilis, leprosy and AIDS.
The guy is collapsed:
"Oh my God, and what can you do?"
- Not much unfortunately. You will have to stay in the hospital and you will be prescribed a diet of pancakes and pizzas.
- And you think all this, will save me?
And the doctor answers:
- I do not know, but in any case they are food that can easily slip under the door.
After a lot of tests, the doctor tells him:
- I have bad news for you ... You have syphilis, leprosy and AIDS.
The guy is collapsed:
"Oh my God, and what can you do?"
- Not much unfortunately. You will have to stay in the hospital and you will be prescribed a diet of pancakes and pizzas.
- And you think all this, will save me?
And the doctor answers:
- I do not know, but in any case they are food that can easily slip under the door.
A woman goes to see her doctor. She complains of pain in her knees
A woman goes to see her doctor. She complains of pain in her knees. After doing all the tests possible and imaginable the doctor is about to admit his incompetence but something is working ...
- Tell me, are you sure you've told me everything?
- Well, my husband and I make love every night on all fours on the floor! "She said a little shamefully.
"That must be it," said the doctor.
- There are a lot of other positions to make love!
- Not if you watch TV at the same time ...
- Tell me, are you sure you've told me everything?
- Well, my husband and I make love every night on all fours on the floor! "She said a little shamefully.
"That must be it," said the doctor.
- There are a lot of other positions to make love!
- Not if you watch TV at the same time ...
An 86 year old gentleman in a doctor's office. The receptionist asks him:
An 86 year old gentleman in a doctor's office. The receptionist asks him:
- Hello sir, why do you want to see a doctor today?
- There is something wrong with my penis.
The secretary feels bad and interrupts the gentleman.
- You should not go into a doctor's office crowded with people saying things like that!
- Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you!
- You have probably caused the embargo in the waiting room filled with patients. You should have said that you had a problem with your ear or something else and then discuss your real problem privately with the doctor!
- Yes?
- There is something wrong with my ear.
- Perfect, and what's wrong with your ear sir?
- I'm not able to pee with it anymore!
- Hello sir, why do you want to see a doctor today?
- There is something wrong with my penis.
The secretary feels bad and interrupts the gentleman.
- You should not go into a doctor's office crowded with people saying things like that!
- Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you!
- You have probably caused the embargo in the waiting room filled with patients. You should have said that you had a problem with your ear or something else and then discuss your real problem privately with the doctor!
- Yes?
- There is something wrong with my ear.
- Perfect, and what's wrong with your ear sir?
- I'm not able to pee with it anymore!
Jokes about doctors, doctor jokes, joke at the hospital, humor doctor, nurse jokes, medical jokes
1 - Allergy
Marine goes to the doctor to find out what's happening to her:
- Hello Doctor, at the moment I do not feel very well, do you know what I have?
- Hum .... yes, you are allergic to birch!
- Ah? Well, I have to stop working!
- No, no, madam! I was talking about the tree!
32- Sperm analysis
Alphonse, 75, goes to see his doctor for a sperm analysis.
His doctor gives him a small bottle and tells him to come back the next day for analysis.
The next day, the man gives him the bottle; Empty and clean. The doctor asks him why.
- Hey! Well, here, doctor. I tried with the right hand, without success. With the left hand, nothing. So, I asked my wife to help me. She tried with the right hand then the left. Always nothing. Then she tried with the mouth, with her teeth, without her teeth. Still without success. So, we asked the young neighbor who tried with the right hand, the left, with her mouth, with her teeth, without her teeth ...
The doctor, shocked, interrupts him:
- You even ask the help of the neighbor? ...
- Hey! yes, doctor. You see, we tried everything and we still could not open this fucking bottle!
3 - Auscultations
At the hospital, a beautiful young woman waiting in the corridor on her stretcher before being taken to the operating room to undergo a small intervention. She worries a little anyway, especially since the clock is ticking. A guy in a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet that covers it and examines his naked body. He folds the sheet, moves away to other white coats and discusses.
A second in a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet and examines it. Then he leaves again.
When the third white blouse approaches, raises the sheet, and scrutinizes it, the young woman becomes impatient: "It is all beautiful these auscultations, but when will you operate?"
The man in the white coat shrugs: "I have no idea, we painted the hallway."
4 - Joke at the dentist
Once upon a time there was a woman who came to the dentist with a weird look. Entering her closet, she immediately removed her pants and panties and sat on the chair of the dentist, who looked very surprised.
Without waiting for a moment, he said to the woman: "I think you are mistaken as a specialist madam, you are at the dentist!"
And she answers him: "I know very well, and I know it was you who put the denture of my husband, so go get it!"
5 - it's not going at all
- Doctor, that's not good at all. When I press my heart, it hurts me. When I feel my liver, the pain is intense, and when I touch my belly, it hurts too much. Do you have an idea of what I have?
- Yes, sir, the broken finger.
MUST READ Letter from a mother to her son
My dear son,
I write to you slowly because I know you do not read fast; so I put the pen in the ink, the ink on the paper, the paper in the envelope and the envelope in the letter box, all this to tell you that we were all sick but that the doctor is come and we are all healed.
Since you left, we realize that you are no longer there; Yesterday was the village festival, there was a donkey race and the Mayor said it was a shame that you were not there because you would surely have won; there was also the pig market, we thought about you.
When you come home, you will not recognize it, we moved. By the way Leon hanged himself, I hope he will not do it again. You told me you were doing the jail, if you do not mind me to cover the henhouse roof.
You told me to send you a field of garlic, the harvest was bad, I'll send you a field of onions. The boy swallowed 100 sous, the doctor took out 90; he said the rest was dissolved. As for the little one, everyone laughed at him at school because he did not have new clothes; as we do not have many pennies, we bought him a new cap and we do not let him look any more than by the window no one laughs anymore.
Your father has a new job, he has 200 people below him, he mows the lawn at the new cemetery we inaugurated; on the door was inscribed: "Here will be buried only the dead living in the commune". Poplars bordering the river were cut to make fir wood.
Let your brother marry a woman; you must remember her; it's the one that made us laugh so much at your sister's funeral.
I hope you're a good soldier like your father who got his feet frozen by shrapnel. I send you 50 dollars in secret from your father; he will go to post them.
Be careful not to get drunk and not spend that money. I'm also sending you two new shirts made with your father's old ones. Send me the old ones that I make new ones to your sister. If you have socks with holes, send me the holes that I mend them.
We had a great misfortune, the dog had the tail cut. Finally everything is fine except the cat who is tired. I hope the letter will find you the same.
You tell us that you are very sick, if you are not better, come back to die at home, it will please us.
Your darling mom
P.S. I wanted to put $ 100 in the envelope but I had already sealed the letter.
I write to you slowly because I know you do not read fast; so I put the pen in the ink, the ink on the paper, the paper in the envelope and the envelope in the letter box, all this to tell you that we were all sick but that the doctor is come and we are all healed.
Since you left, we realize that you are no longer there; Yesterday was the village festival, there was a donkey race and the Mayor said it was a shame that you were not there because you would surely have won; there was also the pig market, we thought about you.
When you come home, you will not recognize it, we moved. By the way Leon hanged himself, I hope he will not do it again. You told me you were doing the jail, if you do not mind me to cover the henhouse roof.
You told me to send you a field of garlic, the harvest was bad, I'll send you a field of onions. The boy swallowed 100 sous, the doctor took out 90; he said the rest was dissolved. As for the little one, everyone laughed at him at school because he did not have new clothes; as we do not have many pennies, we bought him a new cap and we do not let him look any more than by the window no one laughs anymore.
Your father has a new job, he has 200 people below him, he mows the lawn at the new cemetery we inaugurated; on the door was inscribed: "Here will be buried only the dead living in the commune". Poplars bordering the river were cut to make fir wood.
Let your brother marry a woman; you must remember her; it's the one that made us laugh so much at your sister's funeral.
I hope you're a good soldier like your father who got his feet frozen by shrapnel. I send you 50 dollars in secret from your father; he will go to post them.
Be careful not to get drunk and not spend that money. I'm also sending you two new shirts made with your father's old ones. Send me the old ones that I make new ones to your sister. If you have socks with holes, send me the holes that I mend them.
We had a great misfortune, the dog had the tail cut. Finally everything is fine except the cat who is tired. I hope the letter will find you the same.
You tell us that you are very sick, if you are not better, come back to die at home, it will please us.
Your darling mom
P.S. I wanted to put $ 100 in the envelope but I had already sealed the letter.
MUST READ AND SHARE - The ten commandments
The ten commandments
1 - Screw to rest.
2 - Love your bed, it's your temple.
3 - If someone comes to see you to rest, help him.
4 - Rest in the day to sleep at night.
5 - The work is sacred, do not touch it.
6 - Never do tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
7 - Work as little as possible. What needs to be done, let others do it.
8 - Of calm, nobody died while resting, but you can hurt yourself while working ...
9 - When you feel the desire to work, sit down and wait for it to pass.
10 - Do not forget, work is health. So leave it to the sick.
1 - Screw to rest.
2 - Love your bed, it's your temple.
3 - If someone comes to see you to rest, help him.
4 - Rest in the day to sleep at night.
5 - The work is sacred, do not touch it.
6 - Never do tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
7 - Work as little as possible. What needs to be done, let others do it.
8 - Of calm, nobody died while resting, but you can hurt yourself while working ...
9 - When you feel the desire to work, sit down and wait for it to pass.
10 - Do not forget, work is health. So leave it to the sick.
Hilarious Jokes : A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital
A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting
the local hospital, when, during
>her tour of floors, she passed a room where a male patient was
>masturbating.
>
>"Oh my GOD!" said the woman, "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
>
>The doctor who was leading the tour explained, "I'm sorry, but this man
>has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.
>If he doesn't do that five times a day, they will explode, and he'll die
>within minutes."
> >
>"Oh, that's terrible," said the woman.
> >
>In the very next room, they saw a female nurse who was performing oral sex
>on another male patient. "OH, my GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be
>justified?!?"
> >
>The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."
>her tour of floors, she passed a room where a male patient was
>masturbating.
>
>"Oh my GOD!" said the woman, "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
>
>The doctor who was leading the tour explained, "I'm sorry, but this man
>has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.
>If he doesn't do that five times a day, they will explode, and he'll die
>within minutes."
> >
>"Oh, that's terrible," said the woman.
> >
>In the very next room, they saw a female nurse who was performing oral sex
>on another male patient. "OH, my GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be
>justified?!?"
> >
>The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."
Funny Jokes - A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four
hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the
covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing
wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four
hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the
covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing
wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
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