When God Promised

When God Promised

When God Promised

Funny Questions And Statements Made to God

Funny Questions And Statements Made to God, Funny Questions And Statements Made to God

Didn't See That Coming

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."

Classic jokes- Moses, Jesus, and another guy

Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond.

On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.

Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

Short humor jokes-Wedding

"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.

"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things really began to happen fast."

Who Came First? Joke

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of these apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret..."

"You know, woman to woman."

Lord's Army Joke

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

A Catholic Dictionary - Just To Funny

A Catholic Dictionary - Just To Funny

Amen

The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

Bulletin

Parish information, read only during the homily.

Catholic air conditioning.

Your receipt for attending Mass.

Choir

A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

Holy Water

A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

Hymn

A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

Incense

Holy Smoke!

Jesuits

An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

Jonah

The original "Jaws" story.

Justice

When kids have kids of their own.

Kyrie Eleison

The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

Magi

The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

Manger

Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.

The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

Pew

A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

Procession

The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

Recessional

The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

Recessional Hymn

The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

Relics

People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

Ten Commandments

The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

Ushers

The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

4 Nuns Joke

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

St. Peter A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates - Hilarious And Funny Joke

St. Peter A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, 'I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special? 'St. Peter replied, 'Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!'

Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate,

Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?". The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city Taxi driver for 14 years" "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord." St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?" He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord". "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter." "Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden  sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?". "Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a  performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"

One day, heaven is beginning to fill up (of course due to the population explosion)

One day, heaven is beginning to fill up (of course due to the population explosion), so St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. "How many wise men were there?" St. Peter asks the first man. "Three." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first man enters.

"How long did the flood last?" St. Peter asks the second man. "Forty days and forty nights." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man enters. Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult question for the second man. Finally, he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?"

The man thinks and thinks, but can't come up with an answer. "Boy, that's a hard one," he finally says. And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man enters heaven.

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck'n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh fuck" The priest said, "That's it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".

God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news

God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway,

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

Stop sleeping during worship!

Stop sleeping during worship!


A lady fell asleep at the preaching of the pastor ... Suddenly, she wakes up and hears the pastor say, "* Get up *".
She rose and saw the whole assembly turn towards her. Everyone was in * shock, including her husband sitting next to her *. She looks around and notices * that she is the only person standing *.
The pastor looks at her and says: "* Thank you ma'am stay up, we will pray for you ... * We have someone standing already. She's brave ... Who else? No one? Let me repeat myself in case you did not hear me well. * I said to get up, if you are unfaithful, if you commit adultery; if you can not help but deceive your spouse on every mission ... Get up and pray for yourself. *
The lady standing, * fell fainting *.

Everyone knows the joke of Maurice who wanted to win the lottery and asked God to help him

Everyone knows the joke of Maurice who wanted to win the lottery and asked God to help him. God says, "I'm willing to help you, but play!"

Here is the continuation of the story:

So Maurice plays and wins the big jackpot. Here he is multi-billionaire. He speaks again to God and complains about his physique because he has no success with women.

So God says to him "Maurice, you're crazy, you just have to pay yourself a coach and sweat a little your fat ..." Then Maurice takes a coach for a year, and starts counting jogging, pumps, buttocks, bodybuilding, diet, yoga, massage ... After a year, it comes out with a dream body, built like an Apollo ...

But that's not enough for him. He is still complaining to God "Look at God! I have a dirty mouth, I can not pack girls ... ". God answers him "Maurice, you can do anything with your dough. Make yourself new teeth, face, make implants, you can rejuvenate 20 years!

Maurice goes to see the best surgeon on the planet, and spends hours in the operating room. After months of suffering, he leaves the hospital is more beautiful than ever. A top model that everyone admires. On her way, the women turn around and start dreaming ...

Besides, just out of the hospital, he sees a beautiful, a bomb! Their eyes intersect intensely, so long as crossing the road Maurice does not see the bus that arrives, crushes and kills!

Arrived in Paradise, he is mad with rage and addresses God "Finally God, what is this mess? You helped me to win the lottery, I shit to have a dream body doing sports like never, I went on  to change my look, I start to picking up chicks and I hardly get out of the hospital you run me over, I do not understand! "

And God answers him: "Shit, Maurice! It's you ?!? The truth I did not recognize you !! "

A nun visits the parish priest:

A nun visits the parish priest:
- That's my father: in the cloister we have a problem with our two parrots. They are females and they can only say one abominable sentence: "We are prostitutes, do you want to have fun?"
"It's awful," exclaims the priest. But I can be a solution. Bring me your parrots, I will put them with mine who are males and I learned to pray and read the Bible. So your two females will learn to praise and worship God.

The next day, the nun brings her parrots to the priest who puts them as agreed in the cage of the two males.
Then the two female parrots engage in conversation:
- We are prostitutes, do you want to have fun?
And one of the male parrots says to the other:
- You can put away your Bible! Our prayers are finally answered!

A priest is in his church, all alone.

A priest is in his church, all alone.
Suddenly, a beautiful woman arrives and begins to flirt with the priest.
The priest, unwilling to be tempted, turns to the crucifix of Jesus and prays.
"God, I can not be seduced by this beautiful blond woman, I am a priest, I can not do it, I have to follow the rules."
The priest adds: "What should I do Jesus?"
And there, Jesus, on his crucifix begins to wave his arms and shouts to the priest: "But detach me please, detach me !!!!!"

It is Jesus who is on the cross. He said to Mary:

It is Jesus who is on the cross. He said to Mary:
"Peter, I want to see Peter!"
Mary runs to Peter and tells him that Jesus wants to see him immediately. Peter begins to cross the crowd when a Roman guard sees him. The guard said to Peter, "I recognize you, you are the friend of Jesus!" The Roman cuts his arm and lets him go.
Jesus is still shouting Peter! Peter comes here! Peter continues to move toward Jesus. A second Roman sees him and says to him: "Hey, hey, hey, I recognize you, you are the friend of the guy on the cross!"
The Roman then cuts off his other arm and lets him go again. Jesus yells, "Peter, Peter!" Peter continues to move toward Jesus.
A third Roman sees him and says to him: "Hey, look, I recognize you, you are the friend of this guy!" The Roman cuts his leg and lets him go. Pierre continues to advance on the ground, dragging himself with his only leg. He arrives before Jesus and asks him "Master!
What do you want Master? I'm here !"
Jesus said to him, "Peter, I see your house from here!"