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| World famous cook book... Easy and simple recipes! |
Showing posts with label FOOD JOKES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label FOOD JOKES. Show all posts
World famous cook book... Easy and simple recipes!
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks.
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the
table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said
"Chopsticks are provided only on request."
"But," the man countered, "if you gave your
patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the
forks."
"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would
have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."
Chow Time Jokes
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at
Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone
had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There
are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked,
"What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other
instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
Coffee Jokes
Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had
seen better days. As they slid in a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the
seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table.
The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
"No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup
of black coffee."
"I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And
please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched
off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.
"Two cups of black coffee," she announced.
"Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
A Cook's Dictionary Jokes
Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits over
the hand.
Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the nearest
bathroom.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy in utensils you don't own to make a dish the dog
won't eat the rest of.
Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates present in one form
or another in all foods. Common sources of sugar and the types they contain
are: fructose and glucose (fruit juice and honey); lactose (milk); sucrose
(sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose (malt); and jocose, verbose, morose,
lachrymose, bellicose, and comatose (alcohol).
Taste: 1. The ability to distinguish between, say, Tripes a
la mode de Caen and chocolate pudding. 2. The critical discernment necessary to
choose the chocolate pudding.
Cookie Rules Jokes
If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has
no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus
calorie free.
If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it
also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories (water
has the same properties here).
If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas
cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your
friend's first cookie is calorie free, rule #1 is yours also. It would be rude
to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes
your cookie calorie free, as well.
Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall
to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and
the density of the caloric mass.
Any calories consumed during the frosting of The Christmas
cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting
from a knife without cutting your tongue.
Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red
ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. (Make
more red ones!)
Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th
Street" have NO calories because they are part of the entertainment
package and not part of one's personal fuel.
As always, cookie "pieces" contain no calories
because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no
calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will
cling to their plate. (We all know how calories like to CLING!)
Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories
because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. (It's a rule!)
Cooking Class Jokes
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was
extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.
When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our
assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the
mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat
conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden
spoons?", I asked.
"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit
here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go
nuts."
Cooking a Roast Jokes
One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast
beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the
roasting pan.
The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of
the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother
had done it.
That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and
her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before
cooking. After some thought grandma replied, that was the way her mother had
done it.
Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home.
But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked
the question.
Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "So it
would fit in the pan, of course."
Cooking Skills Jokes?
Not realizing our mother had left some leftover turkey in
our oven's broiler, my sister, 19, turned the oven on to bake cookies. Once the
oven was hot, she put in the cookies and came back to check on them ten minutes
later. When she pulled open the oven door, flames shot out and my sister
shouted, "Mom! Fire!" as she closed the door.
Immediately our mother called the fire department and rushed
all of us out of the house. The firefighters were over in a flash and they
quickly hosed the oven down with some foam, then helped us clear the house of
smoke. As one of the young firemen was leaving, he turned to my mother and
said, "Your daughter is cute. I would ask her out, but I only date women
who can cook."
Cooking Terms Jokes
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly
crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially
evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste
exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the
dog won't eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables
since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an
amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and
"sluDGE."
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time
before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put
in, as well as when it is removed.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky
pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the
principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the
cooking compartment.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization
offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a
particular food.
Cool Coffee Jokes
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and
ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I
could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally,
the clerk came to the window looking frustrated, and announced, "I'm
having a problem. The ice keeps melting."
Cafeteria Food
When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook
couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children
something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter
and jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's
about time. At last -- a home cooked meal!"
Country Inn
A diner at a country inn is shocked to see on the menu a
dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in syrup." He summons a waiter
to complain.
The waiter looks at the menu. Then he flings it down and
yells to the owner in the kitchen, "Hey, the printers forgot to translate
the menu into French again!"
The Dangers of Bread
A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "SMELL OF
BAKED BREAD MAY BE HEALTH HAZARD." The article went on to describe the
dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the
organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this
stuff up).
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about
bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is
the government going to go after Big Bread?
Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered
should make anyone think twice .....
1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread
eaters.
2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked
in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and
diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
within 24 hours of eating bread.
5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough."
It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a
low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's Disease and osteoporosis.
7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived
of bread and given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two
days.
8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading
the user to harder items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold
cuts.
9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human
body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to
your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a
soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to
distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
babbling.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the
following bread restrictions:
1: No sale of bread to minors.
2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
societal ills we might associate with bread.
4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which
may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread
manufacturers. Please pass this message on to everyone you know who cares about
this crucial issue.
Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.
Diets and Donuts
A very devout man who was very over weight decided to go on
a diet. One of his main problems with eating was that he would stop for donuts
every morning on the way to work. So to make things easier for himself, he
changed his route to work to avoid the temptation of stopping. As the weeks
went by he started losing a lot of weight and was receiving compliments from
his friends and co-workers.
Then one morning without thinking, he accidently turned onto
the road which would take him by the donut shop. At first he was going to turn
around but then he thought to himself, "maybe the Lord is rewarding me for
my efforts". So, he said a short prayer telling the Lord that if this was
His true intention let there be an open parking place directly in front of the
shop.
And sure enough, on the fifth time around the block there
was an open spot right up front.
A Dieter's Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!
The Diet - What It Says / What You Really Do - Funny Joke
WHAT THE DIET SAYS
Breakfast---
1/2 grapefruit
black coffee
1 piece dry toast
1 sm. glass skim milk
Lunch
1 lettuce leaf
2 tomato slices
2 oz. broiled chicken
4 carrot sticks
1 whole wheat roll with 1 tsp reduced-calorie butter
1 cup red jello
Dinner
1/2 cup salad
1 tsp low fat Italian dressing
4 oz. hamburger patty
2 1/2 slices canned pear
1/4 cup cottage cheese
slice wheat bread
also--8 glasses of water
This is how it really turns out................
8 a.m. --Breakfast--
You skip breakfast. You're not hungry, and this gives you an
extra
100 calories for the day.
10 a.m.--
You decide to have that black coffee as you see the
doughnuts being
brought into the office. You drink your first glass of
water,
proudly resisting the doughnuts.
11 a.m.--
You are hungry and have a hard time concentrating on your
work.
You look forward to lunch.
12 p.m. --Lunch---
You hungrily eat everything on your diet, including the
jello,
which you have hated since you were a child because of that
time
when you got your tonsils taken out and they gave you jello
at
every meal.
1 p.m.--
You drink your second glass of water for the day.
1:30 p.m.--
You drink your 3rd and 4th glass of water for the day.
2 p.m.--
You drink your 5th and 6th glass of water for the day. You
marvel
at how a person can be hungry and nauseous at the same time.
Your
co-worker has popcorn at her desk and you smell it but are
too sick
to even want any. She offers you some and you decline,
telling her
how little you've eaten today and how the smell of the
popcorn doesn't
even tempt you. She is impressed.
3 p.m.--
You are hungry. You know that another co-worker has candy on
her
desk and there is an open invitation to take some. You do,
after all,
have an extra 100 calories for the day. You restrict
yourself to one
piece of candy, proud of your willpower. You are still 50
calories
ahead.
3:30 p.m.--
You are still hungry. Your mind wanders. You remember the
Tic Tacs
in your desk -- only 2 calories apiece. You eat two. 46
calories left.
3:45 p.m.--
You eat two more Tic Tacs. 42 calories left.
4 p.m.--
You eat the rest of the pack of Tic Tacs. You are in the
negative,
but optimistic. You'll skip the pear at dinner.
5 p.m.--
You are famished. You drink the last 2 glasses of water to
get you
through to dinnertime.
5:30 p.m.--
You arrive home. A bag of potato chips is blocking the way
to the
hamburger helper that you will be using to make the family
dinner.
After thinking twice about it you rip open the package and
eat one chip.
5:35--
You eat one more chip.
6:30 p.m.--
You eat the rest of the package of potato chips, 6
tablespoons of
Hamburger Helper as you cook it, and then have with a pint
of Haagen
Daz. You tell the family that you are doing too well on your
diet to
ruin it with dinner. They are impressed.
Diet Workshop
Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began
her lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about
alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat
broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for
discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to
eat?"
Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
Dining Out
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was
crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an
hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when
suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds
as if someone just got his food."
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