I won't be coming coming to work today..

I won't be coming coming to work today..

 

Cinnamon Rolls Jokes

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"

Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years."

Tweet Random Questions

Why is it that when you deliver something by car its a shipment and when you deliver something by ship its cargo?

Why is a parkway called a parkway and a driveway called a driveway when you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

What color is on the top of a stoplight?

What are the seven seas?

Why does twitter have a 140 character limit?

Where am I?

Off-Beat Funny Tweet

I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

If you don't stack the plates so the patterns on them align, then how do you make the tormenting, screaming demons in your head go away?

To Do: Paint house door with lamb's blood so the Easter bat won't fly in and eat the Jesus eggs.

He's snoring so loud I can barely hear myself plotting his death.

I'm just a regular guy, putting on my Capri pants 3/4 leg at a time.

"I don't even own a TV" no longer impresses me. Talk to me when you've transcended the toilet.

Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirty pirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.

How much money would it take to buy the song Fireflies and lock it up, never to be heard again? Because that's how much I want.

How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?

Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger

Funny Christmas Facebook Status Updates And Twitter Tweets

thinks that Santa Claus has the right idea to only visit people once a year.

is going to buy my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, "toys not included.”

thinks there's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning... and not be a child.

wants an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!

is going to see The Nutcracker... It reminds me of boxing, except with music, choreography, and the dancers don't hit each other.

is going to suprise his wife on X-Mas with new boxers that say "Tickle-My-Elmo".

thinks this year, he is going to buy all his Christmas gifts from Nike...  Made for kids by kids..
.
wonder is Christmas trees could scream, would we be so joyful in cutting them down?   I suppose we might... if they screamed all the time... and for no good reason.

says "I got your stocking stuffer right here! Baby!"

This just in...  Santa has been shot down by Sarah Palin while flying over Alaska...

X-Mas based Funny Facebook Status Updates And Tweeter Tweets

jokestotell.com

can't wait to watch his favourite Christmas movie, "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Urinary Tract Infection"

is looking forward to the new Christmas special, "A Creepy, Creepy Christmas with Michael Jackson"

may not be the real Santa, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen you while you're sleeping.

is chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head

is making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions.

is eating her weight in figgy pudding

is inviting you to tickle her Elmo.

hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

is still trying to figure out what "police nabbed my dad" has to do with Christmas.

wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

Funny Facebook Status Update Reflections And Twitter Tweets

jokestotell.com

feels ashamed of his smoking but it's better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come true then to be selfish & worry about my lungs.

notices that when the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

thinks that a day without sunshine is like night.

thinks that if atheism is a religion, then not collecting stamps is a hobby.

is getting that Deja Fu feeling... That that somehow, somewhere, he's been kicked in the head like this before.

knows that some people say that he must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.

is wondering if he had everything, where would he keep it?

is reflecting that the cost of living hasn't affected it's popularity.

wonders if you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

thinks it's odd that people justify deer heads on their walls by saying they're beautiful animals. Hmmm.... I think my wife is beautiful.

Funny Facebook Status Update Excuses And Twitter Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Update Excuses And Twitter Tweets

really wishes she could but, I have to floss my cat.

really wishes she could but, I want to spend more time with my blender.

really wishes she could but, I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

really wishes she could but, I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.

really wishes she could but, My panty hose sprung a leak.

really wishes she could but, I have to stay home and wash my tongue.

really wishes she could but, I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

really wishes she could but, I'm getting my overalls overhauled.

really wishes she could but, My patent is pending.

really wishes she could but, I'm worried about my vertical hold.

really wishes she could but, I have to fulfill my potential.

really wishes she could but, I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

really wishes she could but, I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

really wishes she could but, I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.

really wishes she could but, I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

really wishes she could but, I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

really wishes she could but, I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

really wishes she could but, My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

really wishes she could but, I just picked up a book called Glue in Many Lands and I can't put it down.

really wishes she could but, I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

really wishes she could but, I have to rotate my crops.

Guitar Hero III Inspired Facebook Status Updates And Twitter Tweets

is fresh out of batteries but still making noise.

can not kill The Metal... The Metal will live on..

doesn't look a thing like Jesus.

is having a holiday in Cambodia

has to turn his head until the darkness goes.

is at the drive-in. In the old man's Ford.

can't even think of a word that rhymes.

wants it wild! He'll drive you cra-zee!

is a cult of personality.

's name is Jonas!

Music Referenced Facebook Status Updates And Twitter Tweets

NAME is...

pretty fly for a white guy

in a gadda da vida baby

psycho,-somatic addict, insane

wasting away down in Margaritaville

cruising the seas for American gold. we'd fire no guns. shed no tears. now i am a broken man on a Halifax pier. the last of Barrett's Privateers
selling Peace but who's buying?

stomping his feet because he's happy and he knows it and he really wants to show it

a picker, a grinner, a lover and a sinner, play'n his music in the sun
tragically hip

doing the HUSTLE! doo du doo du doo du doo doo...

a well thought out twinkle

so sick from the drink I need home for a rest

bringing sexy back

bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund

rock n rolling all night long and partying every day

more human than human

tubthumping

bananas. B - A - N -A -N -A - S

elegantly wasted

dazed and confused for so long it's not true

afraid of Americans

so vain. He probably thinks this status is about him.

Funny Facebook Observations on Life Status Updates And Twitter Tweets

Funny Facebook Observations on Life Status Updates And Twitter Tweets

woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting relatives stay over.

is going to buy a teddy bear for $5, name it Joshua and sell it for $10, to make of prophet!

was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking "who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?

just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1987

wonders how much milk do I add to baby powder to make a baby?

wonders why are the people who tell you to calm down always the ones who ticked you off in the first place?

can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus

was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

thinks that If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi.

She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons

The Truth About Facebook

The Truth About Facebook