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| I do not drink beer... |
Showing posts with label BAR JOKES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BAR JOKES. Show all posts
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila floor
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| One tequila, two tequila, three tequila floor |
Could This Be A Valid point.. Please Agree
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| Could This Be A Valid point.. Please Agree |
Funny Drunk People Drunk people taking care of drunker people
Funny Drunk People Drunk people taking care of drunker people Collection of Funny Drunk People
Good jokes-Evils of drinking
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture
on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the
man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten
shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said
the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the
released man.
"And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
Funny jokes-The best pubs
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a
pub full of people.
The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best.
You can buy one drink and get a second one free".
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.
The Scottish man says,"..yeah.
That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and
get another 2 for free."
Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.
The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they
are not as good as the ones in Ireland.
In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and
then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?"
and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
Going Home Drunk
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home
from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the
old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's
Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of
87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick
O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells
out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus stumbles around a bit,
awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and
exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
Beer Trivia
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago
that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey
month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb
or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too
cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb
in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in
old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to
mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase
"mind your P's and Q's".
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called
aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor
or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bear
shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water
down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and
called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore.
The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself.
When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in
use today.
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle
baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.When they needed a refill,
they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the
phrase inspired by this practice.
Can You Give Me A Push?
A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a
rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half
past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time",
he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going
to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't
take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give
me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in
bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and
she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke
down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter
and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would
have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs
our help. The right thing to do would be to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere
he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry
out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts:
"Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your
swing."
Busch Beer
A very sexy redhead walks into a pub and takes a seat at the
end of the bar.
The bartender says to her, "What can I get ya?"
The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."
The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The
woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Three
men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.
The following night, the same woman goes back to the same
pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same
bartender asks, "What can I get ya?"
The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."
The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The
woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Four
men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.
The following night, the same woman goes back to the same
pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same
bartender says, "I know, you want a Busch..."
The woman stops him and says, "No, you better make it a
Bud Light, that Busch makes my pussy hurt."
The Emotional Horse
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if
you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest
of the night".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and
whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives
him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender
says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free
drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse
starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks
what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a
bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".
Good jokes-Weaker cells
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest
buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a
whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving
by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as
fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know,
kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you
always feel smarter after a few beers.
5 Levels of Drinking - Drinking
Level One
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get
up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys
another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at Level One you think to
yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of
sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
Level Two
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just
spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again,
but at Level Two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're
thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway?
These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps
fingers) I'm cool.".
Level Three
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're
thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!"
At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink
for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get
drinking fantasies. (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could
live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at
Level Three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're
thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and
a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".
Level Four
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last
call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This
time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar.
Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy
is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to
leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an.... after hours
bar. And here, at Level Four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as
long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY
UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board
meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work
for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ... cool.".
Level Five
Five in the morning. After unsuccessfully trying to get your
money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named
Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar
with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind
of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be
in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At
this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something
from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you
think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your
friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and
passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of
Level Five -- the sun.
You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk
out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging.
And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?"
Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night,
it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then
that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I
swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some
of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
A Broken Little Throw Away - Drinking Joke
He grabbed me by my slender waist
I could not kick or scream
He took me to a darkened room
Where we could not be seen
He then tore off my flimsy wrap
And looked upon my form
My lips were cold and damp and scared
Whilst his were hot and warm
His feverish lips he pressed to mine
I gave him every drop
He drained me of my very self
I could not make him stop
He made me what I am today
That's why you find me here
A broken little throw away
That once was full of beer.
THE DEAF DRUNKS
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people
using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language
to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had
learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular
customers and had taught him to speak in sign.
The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the
group were waving their hands around very wildly.
The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out!
I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said,
"If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
Wow she did that..
Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped
they had their wives.
The first two kept bragging about how they could get their
wives to do anything.
They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my
wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and
knees."
Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how
he had managed that.
The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and
she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".
Kiss That Horse's Ass
A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on
the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and
asks him why he did that. “I have chapped lips.” “Does manure help them heal?”
“No, but it keeps me from licking them.”
DUI
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving
violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you
been?”
“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a
few.”
“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding
his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I
thought I’d gone deaf.”
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