Air Traffic Control Jokes

Air Traffic Control Jokes

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

Airline Food

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

She replied, "Yes or No."

Airline Shuffle

During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."

Airline Wine

Sitting in coach during a lengthy flight, my wife and I heard a flight attendant ask the high-paying passengers in first class, "Would you care for Chardonnay or Burgundy?"

A few minutes later, the curtains between the two sections parted, and the attendant wheeled the wine cart back to our aisle. "Excuse me," he said, looking down at us, "would you care for a glass of wine? We have white and red."

Airplane Repair Logs : These are entries from the mechanics' logs of repairs done on airplanes:

Airplane Repair Logs

These are entries from the mechanics' logs of repairs done on airplanes:

Discrepancy: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Corrective Action: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Discrepancy: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."

Corrective Action: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."

Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Discrepancy: "The autopilot doesn't."

Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Discrepancy: "Something loose in cockpit."

Corrective Action: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Discrepancy: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Corrective Action: "Evidence removed."

Discrepancy: "Number three engine missing."

Corrective Action: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Discrepancy: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Corrective Action: "Volume set to more believable level."

Discrepancy: Dead bugs on windshield.

Corrective Action: Live bugs on order.

Discrepancy: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

Corrective Action: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Discrepancy: IFF inoperative.

Corrective Action: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Discrepancy: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Corrective Action: That's what they're there for.

Airport Security Inspection

David, my brother-in-law, works in commercial advertising and as part of his work, he travels quite a bit. He and his camera crew were going through airport security in New Orleans a few years ago. One of the camera cases had plastic tie strips on it to prevent it from opening during the flight. The TSA inspector seemed confused by the plastic zip ties.

He looked at David and said, "I'm going to have to break these to inspect this case."

David said, "Okay."

Then the TSA inspector paused and asked, "Do you have a knife so I can cut these off?"

David had just passed through the security scanner so he said, "No. I'm not allowed to have one."

The inspector said, "Oh, yeah." And let them go without inspecting the case.

Arriving In Chicago

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.

"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."

"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.

The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"

"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."

Aviation 101

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!

You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.

Baggage Problem

The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that he would have to check the over-sized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I never have this problem!"

She smiled and said, "Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

Being Cool

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

Card Name

A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"

The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."

Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*************************************

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your

belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have. '

*************************************

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

little old lady

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered

his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which

required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers

exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said

that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking

with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

Please remain in your seats

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a

Particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the

Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,

the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo ..

Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the

Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

We Can’t Do That

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”

The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”

“Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”

Flight Safety

A friend of mine was learning how to fly (a plane, obviously) and asked his instructor the safety benefits of a twin engine aircraft.

His reply:- If one engine fails, the other takes you to the scene of the accident

Good jokes-Annoyed Stewardess

A stewardess was getting very annoyed by 3 little children on the plane. They had been bugging her since take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom and whatever else you could imagine a small child commenting and complaining about.

Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them to go play outside.

Airplane

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Do Not Be Afraid To Make Mistakes

Jokestotell.com

Attention All Passengers

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.