A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "SMELL OF
BAKED BREAD MAY BE HEALTH HAZARD." The article went on to describe the
dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the
organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this
stuff up).
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about
bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is
the government going to go after Big Bread?
Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered
should make anyone think twice .....
1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread
eaters.
2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked
in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and
diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
within 24 hours of eating bread.
5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough."
It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a
low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's Disease and osteoporosis.
7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived
of bread and given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two
days.
8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading
the user to harder items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold
cuts.
9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human
body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to
your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a
soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to
distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
babbling.
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In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the
following bread restrictions:
1: No sale of bread to minors.
2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
societal ills we might associate with bread.
4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which
may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread
manufacturers. Please pass this message on to everyone you know who cares about
this crucial issue.
Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.