LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you
to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white
bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you
don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and
let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a
week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push
the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine
wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs
to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a
bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person
then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their
person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly
at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an
end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to
warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes
wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes,
and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating
it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers
clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the
floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit
!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly
effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they
are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the
Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective
when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and
without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.