Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly
crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially
evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste
exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the
dog won't eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables
since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an
amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and
"sluDGE."
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time
before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put
in, as well as when it is removed.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky
pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the
principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the
cooking compartment.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization
offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a
particular food.