If you can read this whole story without laughing then
>there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to
>read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
>reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived
>in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off
>about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
>parking lot at the San
>Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Tim
>Randolph, who was visiting from Rochester , New York. Tim: "Recently, I
>was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original
>person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
>there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck,
>when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
>Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told
>me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
>
>
>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>*****************************************************
>
>
>CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A little too
>heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>Judge # 3 (Tim) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
>dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
>hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>*****************************************************
>
>
>
>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a
>hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
>give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
>the look on my face.
>*****************************************************
>
>
>CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... Judge # 1 --
>Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
>I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
>beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
>in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
> *****************************************************
>
>
>CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili
>with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>other mild foods not much of a chili.
>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
>taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was
>standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is
>starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
>aphrodisiac? *****************************************************
>
>
>CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
>peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>Judge #
>3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
>longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
>The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
>brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
>on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really
>pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
>rednecks. *****************************************************
>
>
>CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Thin
>yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
>Superb.
>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
>through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
>Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
> *****************************************************
>
>
>CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
>about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>uncontrollably.
>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
>shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
>oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
>in my stomach. *****************************************************
>
>
>CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
>but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
>hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
>out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
>he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
>hot chili?
>Judge # 3 - No Report
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